Oof. Yeah, I can understand your plight, Nocturnus. I've been having similar troubles. I won't go into details, but I would like to explain at least the villification of pornography. It mainly stems from Jesus's raised standard of what constitutes adultery. Simply put, the raised standard was mainly to point out that you can't use "well, I didn't sleep with the person, so it's okay." as an excuse. Looking at another with lust is the raised standard, and considering how pornography works, well...That being said, we've got a more open and shut case here, as Jayde pointed out. What really constitutes the adultery issue here, and why his wife would be miffed? The lies. The concealments. Note, the bible has support for polygamy. What seperates this issue from adultery? Honesty. Basically, Nocturnus, get your rear off your sword, confess your sins before God (I'm gonna say check here, I think) and get yourself to your wife, and have an honest conversation. Based on how this sounds, it might be your first. Good on you guys. Time to rediscover why you two loved each other in the first place. Also, while I say all of this not knowing the details, a councellor might have better input. Perhaps that might be worth considering. All of this being written, I think everyone has shown you grace here. I think you ought to consider it. Work with your wife. Don't take all of this on your own shoulders.

In my own personal situation, it was lying out of shame. I've hit on this before, but will paint in vague brush strokes to illustrate the point. I went back to school in 2013 for IT. I loved it for four months, then hit the class where we started learning Java, and I was completely overwhelmed. This caused me to withdraw, and I ended up failing out. I should have asked for help then and there, but I didn't. When my girlfriend at the time asked how school was, I lied and said it was going okay. I invented a lot of verisimilitude to make it sound real, because I was thinking to myself, "Okay, so it sucks that you failed, but you can probably still fix this and nobody has to know.". But I couldn't, even though I did try again. Eventually it broke me. I was eating badly, sleeping badly, getting really evasive and showing all the signs of a person hiding a toxic secret. Eventually, I admitted everything and the relationship ended, and I got my ass metaphorically kicked by some close family and friends for not asking for help years prior. But that was the underlying thought: "I know lying isn't good, but if I fix this, then everything is okay again". What I should've done was tell her (or anyone directly involved) soon after things started going south, that way she could help me or stand by or even leave, if that was her wont.

This, I think, is the big deal. Were I in a situation similar to Nocturnus's wife, this would be the thing I got stuck on. I can say with a great deal of certainty that I wouldn't just up and vanish, especially if we had kids in the picture. But I would be wanting to work with my partner to make sure this stopped. People should not have to fight their demons alone simply because they're ashamed of them. Part of love is trust, and part of trust is knowing that those you trust, and whom you trust in return, will do their best to offer support instead of judgment.

I always say, what if we all tried to help each other? I'll hit a school experience of my own to illustrate.

I was taking second semester Swahili. Unfortunately, bus drivers, this was before they had GPS announcing stops, used to forget to tell me where my stop was. So as a best case, I'd get back in time to get up to class for like the last five minutes. But for this thing, it was particularly bad, I don't know if it was the winter or what making it worse.

So I get a call from the head of the department, and she's like, yeah we think you should drop this class. I said, look, I've got this thing going on with the buses, and I get that it's a problem. But I've been doing the work. Let me take the first test at least to show that I've been doing the work, and if I don't do it to your satisfaction, then fine. Nope, she wasn't down with that. I tried explaining everything to her. They still wanted me to drop. SO finally I just asked if dropping it was going to cause me any problems. Luckily, it was early enough that it wouldn't, so I just dropped it.

So I mean, instead of going "drop the class", she could have tried to come up with some way to help me take it, whether it was my idea or something else. I think the world would be a better place if we looked for ways to help as much as possible, instead of writing people off, e.g. that's an excuse, or it doesn't matter we require attendance and you're not attending so your work doesn't matter. Now how, you wonder, does this relate to the topic at hand?

One of the things I tell people, from my own experience, is that you have to want to be in a relationship. You're going to have fights, or at least disagreements. You're going to do things that hurt the other person, even if it's a temporary thing due to a misunderstanding. For some people, they'll latch on to something and go, well I'm right. They won't be the bigger person and go apologize and find out how to make it right. But if you both want to be together, then you'll both come together and figure out how to work through it, because the relationship is more important than whatever you're fighting over.

That's not to say you can forgive anything and everything, or that you should, sometimes relationships just don't work out. But I'm saying generally, if you have a good relationship, then look at it as helping the relationship, instead of insisting on your own way. You have to want to be together. You have to go, this thing is a problem, how do we fix it? I think if you both have that attitude, you've got a pretty good shot, because when you have fights or disagreements or do something to hurt each other, and you probably will no matter how hard you try not to, if you're both willing to go calm down and then come back together and fix things? Well there you go. But you have to want that. That has to be bigger than whatever is going on currently that's an issue for you.

Again, that doesn't solve everything, nor should it. If Tina's an alcoholic and doing destructive things and she just will not stop, then if you've done everything you can think of and nothing works, it's probably time to get out of that relationship. But see there again, Tina doesn't want to be together. The alcohol's more important. That's because of a disease she needs help with, but still. Lots of other things are like that, I'm just picking something that we'll all agree on as an obvious problem.

@Nocturnus
I too know almost exactly what you are going through. For 6 years I was adicted to porn. For 6 years I knew that same shame, hatred, self-loathing, anger, helplessness, the list goes on.
I faught that same fight, I looked that same evil in the eye.
So let me give you some advice as a fellow Christian that when I grasped this, it changed my entire battle plan.

You can't fight adiction. You can't face it in a head-on knockdown drag-out brawl.
You aren't strong enough. You will lose. Every time.
Instead, look to Joseph. He faced temptation as well, and instead of giving in or trying to resist, he fled.
Now we know from scripture that Potiphar's wife was beautiful, and Joseph knew that if he stayed that he would succumb to  the temptation, so he did the only wise thing. He ran.
And let me tell you now, there is no shame in running. None. If Joseph didn't run, his story would have looked a whole lot different than it did. I can guarantee you that.

Also, find someone you can talk too, someone to keep you accountable. Because we also learn from scripture that what ever is hidden, must be braught into the light. I was very blessed to find my support in the church I atend.
So in short, confess and flee. That is your battle plan.
Also, technology can help as well. I installed addblockers on all my devices, I password blocked any pornographic content by asking someone to create a password neither them or I would remember, and I have someone who keeps me accountable.
Accountability is the key, because you cannot face this on your own.
Also, as Ephesians 6 teaches us, the Word of God is your sword.
Out of the entire armor of God, that is your only offensive weapon. Use it.
Renew your mind daily as Romans 12:2 says.
And perhaps most important to remember is that there is grace. There is always enough grace for you. No matter how many times you fall, God will always be there, arms outstreched, ready to pick you up again.
His mercy is new every morning.

I will pray, and continue to pray for you.
You are not alone.
Remember who is the God you serve.
May the God of grace go with you.

As I understand it it's not so much running from temptation itself, but the thing that's tempting you. Basically if you know you can't resist something, remove it from your life. Have nothing to do with it. Do your best to avoid situations that involve it. Sometimes that'll be easier said than done though.

To be fare, there were women in the Bible so it wasn't all men all the time.  That's for another topic though.

What I think happens is that there's too much emphasis put on all the apparently terrible, awful, no-good, very bad things you absolutely must not do. Christians put this standard on themselves, and then upon one another. Then, when they inevitably fall short of perfection, they eat themselves alive.
Fun fact: leftists do this too (no, I'm not going to make this super political, don't worry). For us, it's not so much about pornography or sin or whatever else. It's about inclusion and all the rest. We have to be perfect, and never utter a slur, never deadname someone, never be insensitive in what we say or do. And then when we inevitably fuck it up somewhere (some of us in big ways, others in small ways), we tear ourselves apart for it. High standards, big consequences.
I wish people could be kinder to themselves, and to each other as well. I mean, sure, okay, lying about an addiction is not good. Shirking duties as a parent isn't good either. Those things, as I previously outlined, offer plenty of room for legitimate criticism or problem. But for heaven's sake, don't put yourself up on this impossibly high pedestal, and then fall to pieces when you slip off of it one day. And don't let anyone else put you up there either. It's well and good to have standards, to mean what you say and to say what you mean, but it's quite another to destroy yourself due to expectations imposed on you by a system which, let's be real, really doesn't care too much about you except when it's trying to control what and how you think, and how and why you act on those thoughts.

I mean sure, lay it on me, I'm curious now.

I think I typed it out somewhere. Let me go find it.

Greetings and salutations to you sir. As of this writing, I have only read your post and none of the replies. I will do so after this. I will again say what I tried to say back in 2018 2019 because absolute truths don't change, only relative ones do. The responsibility is definitely yours, no doubt about it but the fault certainly is not. No I am not changing my statement from what I made then; I'm still saying the same thing. Why do I distinguish between responsibility and fault? Responsibility of one's actions be they words or deeds cannot be pushed onto another; that is impossible. Fault and blame especially in this instant for watching porn and suffering with your negative thoughts and emotions, that is something you cannot and could not help so the fault does not lie with you. The only fault that can be attributed to you is that you failed to tell your wife about what was happening to you because you were afraid that she would not understand you. Indeed, it is unfortunate that as close as you are with her and as much as you love her, you and she are not best friends. Best friends who are also in love with one another are in no danger of being ridiculed by one another and if there is a danger of such, then you are not best friends. Should you have trusted her to aid you in your darkest hours? Only you and she knows the answer to that. Were you wrong to rely on Jesus Christ to pull you out of the black hole you couldn't get out of? You weren't wrong per say but I recommend you look direct to Lord Jehovah who sent Lord Jesus Christ in the first place.

Moving onto the negative thoughts and emotions that surrounded your sexual experiences. Remember what I said above about you being responsible for watching the material and your only fault that can be attributed to you is that you failed to tell your wife about what you were going through? Remember the difference because the crime you committed is not a crime but a minor infraction. I'm not trying to lessen the gravity of your situation in stating this, I am merely stating an undeniable truth. What so ever you watch in privacy is your business and you are not disturbing anyone's peace nor were you causing harm to any other so the karmic law of what so ever you do will be done unto you does not apply. Going into the bathroom to take care of business rather than watching the children isn't a crime although it would have been better to watch the children before doing that. The guilt, shame and blame are feelings you must feel because you caused others to feel such in the past and I'm not talking about your current situation. You may have made fun of others, you may have stolen money or disadvantaged people at school in some other way. You may have made throwaway comments that hurt others but you thought they were nothing. What I'm trying to say is that the reason why you had to shoulder the feelings of guilt, shame and utter wrongness may not even be related to the porn addiction. It doesn't matter what you did, it only matters that you don't deliberately hurt others again and be mindful so that you reduce/eliminate the possibility of hurting people accidently.

So we've established that your infraction was a minor one; so what about the thoughts and feelings? You'll probably know what I'm talking about here. Have you ever felt like some of the thoughts that you think are not your own because they're so foreign? Have you felt like your emotional termoil lasts longer and is more intense than it ought to be? To answer the question you posed, yes I've felt the sense of utter wrongness when forced to think about certain people, scenarios and even texts sexually and the climax is almost always quick. People mistake orgasm with actual enjoyment; in this context, it is not so. Just because your body enjoyed it doesn't mean that you enjoyed it. I also know how it feels to be enslaved by my thoughts and emotions and being afraid to sleep because you are forced to hear the voices tempting you, taunting you and shame you for falling into their trap. I know how it feels to have my mind besieged 24/7; indeed I had to suffer that until my 3 mentors showed me a way out of it. No it wasn't easy and it was no quick fix or free lunch either but it was the only one that allowed me to heal completely. If you read the treatise of sexual truth then it will help you just as it helped me. Do I guarantee it? I have been helped fully and healed as a result. My problem wasn't porn, it was being forced to think and feel what I did not want to think and feel because I was afraid of being punished for thinking and feeling it; I thought I would be punished for masturbating to what they put into my head but I was only being punished for things that I did that had very little to do with sex. Only you can know after reading the above and below links whether or not it helps you, I only know that the testament of truth helped me. For a more general outlook on the minds under siege process, the mental health carer's manual will help you there should you decide to read it.

Finally you may ask, why am I putting out the very same links again onto a forum whereby other people have ridiculed me for doing so? Simplly put, I've been helped by them and so I want to share it with you. If you read them and you don't find them helpful then at least you read them. You can find help elsewhere of course if you so wish but I'm sure you'll find what works for you and I wish you the very best. You are indeed brave for putting this out here and I know I will offend some people in writing this but I'm more concerned with helping you. I wish you well.

Kind regards, Amin Abdullah.

Brendan, my talk of pedestals went over your head I think. Let me explain it a slightly different way.
I think that some Christians - though by no means all - do seem to set themselves up for failure. They set really high standards for themselves, because the Bible or their particular flavour of religion says that this, and that, and the other thing are all sinful and wrong. I mean, if you want proof of this, imagine how a gay Christian might feel when he's told by fellow Christians that homosexuality, the very core of his sexual preference, is sinful. I'm not here to trash Christians as a group, but merely to suggest that all these really high expectations merely enforce what you just said, that we all fall short of God or whatnot. Yes, of course we do. And with some arbitrary and sometimes really tough standards, imposed upon people by other people for the sole purpose of controlling those people, failure is practically guaranteed. so what I'm saying is that many Christians have sort of primed themselves for failure, and get caught in this seemingly never-ending cycle where they fall short, blame themselves, struggle, climb back up, make another (perhaps different) mistake, and tumble back down again. And let's be real, we all do this to some degree, but I think the falls are steeper and further if you're deep into religion (not just Christianity, either, I know that).

So all this is circling back around to masturbation and pornography. Some sects of Christianity opine that it's wrong because it's wrong. If you take this in and begin to believe it, then fall afoul of it, then it's going to do more damage than it would to someone else who did exactly the same thing you did, but wasn't religious and thus wasn't inculcated with the "it's wrong because it's wrong" mantra. Put bluntly, since I'm not religious, my only real issue in a case like that which Nocturnus is facing would've been the lying and hiding. The acts themselves would never have been problematic, particularly not on religious grounds, so I wouldn't see myself as an abject failure just for watching porn sometimes or for masturbating to get some sexual pleasure. Now obviously, Nocturnus -does have some of those religious trappings, and that's fine, ut what I'm suggesting is that we probably shouldn't reinforce them or feed into them too much, that's all.

I hope that makes a bit more sense.