Ok, I believe a bit of an explanation is in order here. I wasn't going to speak about this publicly, but after Aprone's post, which I would give 1000 thumbs up to if I could, I am going to explain where I stand in this situation. No, it won't fix anything, and I'm beyond relieved that Walter has been unbanned, but sometimes, you have to take a few hits for something you've done, if only to clear your own conscience. That, however, is far from the only reason I'm making this post.
I've known Walter for several years now, and there was a time when we were very close. We were in a relationship for just under a year, in fact. I'm not going to go too deeply into this, but during that time, he was not always a nice person, and that's putting it mildly. He knows this, and has made a lot of strides towards being a better person, but I'll get back to that later in the post.
At the end of 2015, he and I had a massive falling-out over all of this, and around the beginning of 2016, he had gotten back in contact with me to try and fix things. I had some serious reservations about this, but I also still cared for him, so I started talking to him sporadically. Meanwhile, Lori and I had also began talking. I'd known her from a mailing list we were both on, but to call us friends would be a stretch. However, she began talking on this mailing list about Walter, and things he had done to make her uncomfortable. At this point, I reached out to her to ask her what was going on, and if there was anything I could do to help. I also didn't really trust him at that point, so maybe I was looking for a bit of ammunition to use against him as well, if I felt I needed it. Yes, that's petty, and I admit that, but it is the truth.
Lori and I became friends and spoke on Skype frequently. We both did a lot of complaining about Walter, and every day she had a new story about him. Now, here's the thing. I wholeheartedly believe that he did, in fact, say something to her that might have made her uncomfortable. Walter is, for lack of a better word, intense, and if you don't know him well, he can sometimes come across as domineering and a bit forward.
But now we get into the heart of the matter. Walter had been trying to tell me that he hadn't done or said half the things that Lori was accusing him of, and at that point, I honestly didn't believe him. I thought I could trust Lori. Then, the incident with the Survive the Wild logs happened. Walter wanted me to speak to Sam, and at first, I was hesitant, thinking, to be blunt, that Sam is just a kid and couldn't possibly understand the ramifications of such a serious situation. Over the course of a couple of days, though, he had shown me that many of the things Lori was claiming couldn't possibly be true. I was there, in a Skype call, when he matched the IP addresses of Lori and her friend, and when he deconstructed the logs. He patiently explained everything to me
There was just one huge problem. I had already gone to Dark and told him about my experiences with Walter. Not because I thought that it had anything to do with the forum, but because I thought I was helping a friend. You see, Lori had already created her post warning people about him, or should I say damning him. I saw a fair bit of hostility towards her in the responses that followed, so, because I figured that two coroborating stories are better than one lone account, I did in fact go to dark. however, I cannot stress this enough, my goal was not to get Walter banned from the forum. Even if I hated his guts, I would never do that to somebody. His actions here had nothing whatsoever to do with what he's done to me, or anyone else for that matter, in the past.
I had screwed up royally, and I knew it. Doubly so when everything came to light about Lori doctoring the logs, and faking her friend's suicide. That was the last straw, but what could I do? I couldn't very well go crawling back to Dark and say that I had been wrong. Dark's decision was final, and I figured that was my cross to bear, and bear it I did, though not well. That's neither here nor there, but the point is that these past two years have been hell for me. The guilt I've carried has been incredible.
Aprone fits into this as well. I was the other person he mentioned in his post, the person he talked to to try and get more information. At the time, I remember asking him for advice about what to do if Walter decided to stalk me, or hack into my computer, things he had threatened to do in the past. Believe me, I am not proud of this either, and I truly apologize to Aprone for involving him in this. It wasn't right of me. There were other things I discussed with Aprone as well, although my memory of that time is somewhat hazy. If he wants to lambast me for things I've said, I would fully deserve it at this point.
After the dust had settled, and things started to go back to what passes for normal when you've been fully responsible for destroying someone's digital life, Walter really did change. Perhaps it took such a drastic event for him to see that something in his life was very wrong, I don't know. I wish there had been a better way for him to come to that conclusion, but I can't go back and change the past, as much as I'd like to. Anyway, we became pretty close again, and, in fact, the reason we aren't as close as we were is simply that life has taken us in different directions, especially over the past year or so. He told me several times during this time that he didn't care about the forum, or whether people believed him, but how could you not? So, I always looked out for oppurtunities to clear his name, which is why, when the post came out on BSG, I contacted Smoke and told him my story, even going so far as to send him the original letter that I had sent to Dark. I'd never spoken to him before in my life, but he listened, and I feel that, although I did many things wrong in this whole situation, I at least tried to make it right in the end.
No, I don't want praise for that, or for posting this, nor do I want sympathy. What I did was an awful thing, and even though everyone makes mistakes, ones like this that could have had potentially earth-shattering consequences aren't things that can really be forgiven. Even though this had the best outcome I could have dreamed of, I still can't forgive myself. It will probably haunt me for the rest of my life, although I've certainly learned not to so easily put my trust in people who present as vulnerable. I've also learned that acting on impulse is almost never a smart idea. had I waited a few days and weighed the whole debacle rationally, I would never have sent that message to Dark, and none of this would have ever happened.
So, I guess that's all I have to say, and, like I've stated previously, it won't change anything, but I could no longer keep silent. I actually had considered posting this earlier in the thread, but I figured that, if the mods wanted to ban me for the role I played, I would have to wait until the right time to do it. I still needed to keep an eye on the thread, and post my input here and there. Now that none of that matters, I felt free enough to let it all out.
The glass is neither half empty nor half full. It's just holding half the amount it can potentially hold.