2019-09-10 19:12:35

So I need some advice for dating when it concerns dating people who are also blind. Now a lot of the girls I have met are very over prideful of them selves and when they say there open minded there really not. Case in point.
I was talking to this girl from another blind group it was going well and we were talking about the pretty normal stuff like movies and food. This person seamed to be very nice at first. I was willing to meet in the middle with them on some things. Now when I brought up that  I have conservative values this person completely flipped. They started talking of female empowerment and no one was going to tell this person what to do mostly because I asked about if there tattoos were mean or nasty. And then they started treating me very badly. What would you do at this point and how do you navigate this when most of the girls you may meet have this mindset?

Bitcoin Address:
1MeNca7h6m8du4TV3psN4m4X666p6Y36u5m

Thumbs up

2019-09-10 19:48:29

Then look for girls who have similar values... there's no need to do anything else. Or learn to compromise values if you're desperate for a date.

regards,
assault_freak

Thumbs up

2019-09-10 19:53:18

Well. first, I would attempt to establish where in the conversation she mistook me asking about tattoos to mean me insulting her tattoos, then I would apologise for that.
the first thing to remember is thus:
Don't meet ladys with a want to date them.
Meet ladys with a want to respect them, and have them as friends.
Love will flourish on its own if it is meant to be.
My favorite saying about love is so true:
you'll know she's the one by how damned inconvenient the occasion is.

My point is, imagine this:
you're not looking for love, you're going to, say, a class project which is made up of 6 ladys and 5 guys, you making the 6th guy.
Imagine one of the guys introduces himself by saying: "Hi, my names bob, and I'm desperate for some lady."
your first thought is, uh, okay bro. 1, too strong, 2, weird, 3, dude! This is a class project!

Now, I'm not saying you came on that strong, but the example can be applied. this lady, whom ever she may be, may have been in the group to look for friends, and look for some people who shared, or could at least understand, her views. A blow up because of said views either indicates 1, she's not your type, 2, you came on too strong, or 3, something you said offended her, and you need to think about your conversation.
I may be barking up the wrong tree here, and for that I do personally extend the hand of apology but I see so many "I'm looking for a girl" posts, from people who don't understand the difference between girl, woman, and lady that it frustrates me.
How would you feel about being called a boy? I met this boy today. He acted like a boy.
I met this man today.

Think on that next time you approach a situation with a lady and see how it goes from there. Respect others view, you don't have to put up with them, but respecting them will in your actions will go a long way to creating life long friendships.
In conclusion, don't ask the forum for advice. Ask her for advice. She'll respect you more for it.

Nathan Smith
Managing Director of Nathan Tech
It's not disability
It's ability!

2019-09-10 20:57:57

Dardar is exactly right here, as I've said many times before I'd recommend avoiding anything that smacks of "dating" and just trying to be friends and seeing what happens. At the worst you might make some friends, because you know women actually are people too and also like to have friends, and at best, friendship might go somewhere else, indeed in my case I literally am married to my best friend.

On the point  about values, firstly hurstseth405, why start talking about "having conservative values" why not just chat about subjects in general and see where you might agree and disagree amicably. Remember, unless your looking for a one night stand and actually want a relationship of any consequence, you and your partner will need to be friends and get on with each other, since you'll be spending a hell of a lot of time together, indeed if you can't be good enough friends to get on while your sharing the washing up, then you have no business thinking about any long term relationships. Oh, and if your the sort of person who thinks women should be doing washing up and you don't need to, then unless you have a time machine handy to go back
a hundred years, you definitely have no business thinking about relationships big_smile.

Btw, as regards tattoos,   if you assumed the girl's tattoo's were automatically mean or nasty, no wonder she got upset. Unless they're gang tattoos or the like, Tattoos tend to be a pretty personal thing and a major part of someone's identity, and assuming that they're automatically a bad thing would be pretty offensive to someone who viewed their tattoos as important to them, after all, you don't exactly have to be a rocket scientist to work out that someone wouldn't sit still and have their skin punctured god knows how many times with a needle for no reason big_smile.

With our dreaming and singing, Ceaseless and sorrowless we! The glory about us clinging Of the glorious futures we see,
Our souls with high music ringing; O men! It must ever be
That we dwell in our dreaming and singing, A little apart from ye. (Arthur O'Shaughnessy 1873.)

Thumbs up +2

2019-09-10 21:30:22

It started out fine but I didn't want to bring it up later and I desided to not talk about it right away and then when I did bring it up she acted like I didn't tell her outright and acted like I broke her trust.

Bitcoin Address:
1MeNca7h6m8du4TV3psN4m4X666p6Y36u5m

Thumbs up

2019-09-10 21:30:55

Have you contributed to it? Have you started with any of the religious zealotry that the right is so fond over? yes, the left's response is generally overblown and highly emotional rather than logical, but did you contribute to that? I think you should ask yourself that and be prepared to accept it if you find it to be true.

I have reservations about looking for female friends and just hoping something romantic happens. For one thing, they might not feel the same way, i.e. they might be looking for romance right off, or not at all, at least from you. Sometimes you do have to put your intent right out in the open, but do it in a way that's respectful, and not creepy. Also, if you just look for female friends and hope something spontaneous happens, you'll most likely be friendzoned by a lot of girls. You also run the risk of later developing feelings for one of your female friends and she might not return them, leaving you in the awkward situation of having to either bury them and continue on as you were, but still, every time you see her, it eats away at you; or telling her and risk ruining the friendship.

In short, love and romance have too many variables to just say one thing works. You have to find an approach that works for you. Maybe none of the scenarios I outlined above will ever happen for you, it's just too hard to tell.

I also don't see it as a huge problem to refer to women as girls, they themselves often do it; girl's night out and such. It's down to the method of delivery more than the word itself which carries the message of disrespect. Oh, and I would love to know why so many people think that conservatives all think that women should do all the housework and men should bring home the bacon. That's just perpetuating ignorance. Go and actually talk to some people. Yes, that attitude does still exist for some, but it's becoming more and more rare. Is that the only card liberals have to play, that and the racist card. If so, they're holding a really weak hand.

I'm the captain of this ship,
don't worry about the little clicks,
Everything is working fine,
nevermind that audible whine.

Thumbs up

2019-09-10 22:58:01

As a leftist, I'm going to weigh in here, especially with regard to the last post.

Okay, so first thing. Language is powerful. It sculpts not only what we say and the meaning we get across, but also how we think.
"boy" is to "girl" what "man" is to "woman". So if you call a group of guys "men" but you call a group of women "girls", you risk bothering them. Is it a huge, earth-shattering deal? In my opinion, no. But it treads thin ice because men have been generally viewing women as second-class citizens for...well, forever, really, and it's only been during the last century or so that gender roles are being deconstructed and often dismantled. This means that your intentions may be totally harmless, but a woman who's had to deal with a lot of misogynist bullshit, hearing you call her a girl, may get upset. And guess what? That's at least partially your fault. You'd be safer just referring to her as a woman, or, how about this? A person.
Also, the "they call themselves x so I can do the same thing" argument is busted. People say words are just words in cases like this, but if you call a black person the n word just because you know that person has friends who do the same, prepare to get a whole lot of anger or outrage tossed your way. You'll have earned it, too. Likewise, I personally don't know too many females who refer to themselves as "girls", but I know they're out there. It doesn't automatically mean it's okay for you to call them this. Again, is it a huge, huge deal? No. But it's something you can avoid.

I know full well that many right-leaning people actually have decent ideas about certain things. My stepfather is probably a bit right of center, and while we absolutely do not agree on some things, he treats my mother extremely well and generally respects women. He's a little loose with his language, has some views that are borderline racist and is a bit religious (but not pushy, thank goodness), so while I don't agree with him all the way down to the ground, I can generally respect him. Also, he's nearly sixty, and he's willing to listen. If I call him out on something - I try and do this respectfully, as that's the best way if you really want someone to hear you - he won't always agree but he usually comes away with something to think about.
Point being, no, not all conservatives believe women belong in the home. But a lot of conservatives would rather strengthen the power dynamics which already exist, as opposed to knocking them nown. Not all, but many, are in support of the status quo, and said status quo puts women more in a caring role than a working one.
I also agree with the point about religious zeal. Come on too strong and you're going to drive people off.

I find something interesting though. In the first post in this thread, you are conveying, at least to me, an attitude of "what did I do wrong?" combined with "why did she get mad?". It smacks a bit of self-righteous injury, at least to me. If I were in your position, and came on strong as a leftist and drove someone off - I try to be gentler when I can, by the way - I wouldn't really bat an eye. People should take me or leave me. Again, I don't intend to be overly rough, but I also don't want to hurt people. And the way I see it, the left is really big on making sure everyone is treated well and all needs are met; we differ on how we're gonna get there, mind you. If I offend someone, it's likely a conservative who, in my opinion at least, is standing in the way of progress; if I ruffle feathers, maybe I'll get them to think. Call this arrogance if you want, but there it is.
You, on the other hand, lean right, and don't have that same moral high ground, as I see it. Your platform lends itself, at least in the minds of many, toward limitation, toward inequality, toward leaving unbalanced power structures more or less in place. So when this woman you were speaking to started talking about female empowerment, and you seem to have taken it personally, it tells me a lot, and most of it's not pretty. Mainly, you're looking for romantic connection of some kind, which implies some sort of mutual respect; if you dropped your conservative views into that conversation like a sack of bricks - remember, perception is important - then you probably put this woman off, and you don't even have the sense to realize how and why. More, you seem injured by it, as if it's somehow her fault for doing you wrong.  Then the tattoo thing sealed the deal; a lot of tattoos are artistic expression, done for aesthetic and very personal reasons, and to assume anything about them without context is just foolish. Based on the information I have, I neither blame the woman for getting upset nor can find a ton of sympathy for you either. Before you try again, I suggest a lot more introspection and considerable social skills practice; being blind is not an excuse.

Check out my Manamon text walkthrough at the following link:
https://www.dropbox.com/s/z8ls3rc3f4mkb … n.txt?dl=1

Thumbs up +3

2019-09-10 23:15:20

Mmmm, just to point out that the above remark about washing up and time machines was not meant the least seriously, I thought that was sort of obvious from the context and the fact that I put a big_smile, that is a grin after it.

It sounded more to me that the bone of contention here was related to tattoos, hence my remarks  on the subject in post 4.

With our dreaming and singing, Ceaseless and sorrowless we! The glory about us clinging Of the glorious futures we see,
Our souls with high music ringing; O men! It must ever be
That we dwell in our dreaming and singing, A little apart from ye. (Arthur O'Shaughnessy 1873.)

Thumbs up

2019-09-10 23:30:48

Don't worry, Dark, I got it. I know full well that not all conservative dudes actually want women to do all the washing up, and not all of them want it to be 1950 again either. lol

Check out my Manamon text walkthrough at the following link:
https://www.dropbox.com/s/z8ls3rc3f4mkb … n.txt?dl=1

Thumbs up

2019-09-10 23:44:12

We just get those things chucked at us all the time. i don't like the moderate to extreme right who do hold those views. I'm content to let people do whatever they want as long as they're not hurting other people and not judge them for it.

I'm the captain of this ship,
don't worry about the little clicks,
Everything is working fine,
nevermind that audible whine.

Thumbs up

2019-09-10 23:53:51

I don't agree with doing that, regardless of your affiliation. If you're going to tar and feather someone for doing something foolish, at least get it right. I think it's especially important for people in a given position to be willing to disagree with the party line, even vocally, and not just to swallow what they're told.
In other words, my sympathies if you actually get attacked for stuff you don't believe just because you're on the right somewhere.

Check out my Manamon text walkthrough at the following link:
https://www.dropbox.com/s/z8ls3rc3f4mkb … n.txt?dl=1

Thumbs up +1

2019-09-11 02:37:30 (edited by Munawar 2019-09-11 02:38:14)

The best thing to do here is to keep your happiness in mind. In today's world the best course of action to take is remaining single and focusing on yourself and career. Relationships are often times overrated and people are difficult to satisfy nowadays, especially a group of people who've been told they're princesses ever since they were young. You don't need that type of drama in your life--no one does.

Thumbs up

2019-09-11 03:41:06

Too true.

I'm the captain of this ship,
don't worry about the little clicks,
Everything is working fine,
nevermind that audible whine.

Thumbs up

2019-09-11 04:35:54

Greetings all.

I do agree with Munawar when it comes to the majority of romantic relationships; most are simply not worth while. However, if you do meet your intended, the one you're destined to be with for all of eternity, it truly is worth while. I met Lisa Hudson on vorail in June of last year but I was still suffering from being separated from Victoria who couldn't be with me although she did love me. Victoria's love for me was, although strong, it was... how should I put it... typical? That means that it was at the expected level to be called love but she wasn't in love with me to the extent that I was with her. To cut a very long story short, my love for Victoria was infinite but one sided meaning, I gave my all and it was too much for her. We had known one another for 6 years prior to this event. In any case, we just didn't work out and never would. Lisa Hudson fell for me right there and then but I was drowning in pain and sorrow; although I was friendly, respectful and loving toward Lisa, I was too focused on fulfilling the promise I made to Victoria; I was waiting until such time that we could be together and I was prepared to wait for all of eternity if need be. For 2 months, we struggled Lisa and I because she was trying not to frighten me off and I was still drowning. It all came to  head on August 16th when Lisa cried to me telling me that she was being treated badly by people who were supposed to be her friends and even one who she thought loved her. I could no longer drown in my sorrow and I had to acknowledge my growing feelings for Lisa who I'd only known for 2 months at that time. Jehovah pushed me into me breaking my promise to Victoria and a good thing to because Victoria wanted me to not be in love with her. I admitted my feelings to Lisa and on the 17th we were together. After 7 days, Victoria gave the both of us her blessing and I was free to love my Diosa Lisa fully, completely, with all that I am and infinitely more.

What does diosa mean? The literal translation from Espaniol means goddess but I use it to mean friend and infinitely more, best friend and infinitely more, girlfriend and infinitely more, lover and infinitely more, intended and infinitely more, wife and infinitely more, all that can be applied and infinitely more. I know I've left out a lot and there are huge gaps in my narrative because it would take too long to explain it all. Indeed, this post makes it sound like I just rushed into it; that is not the case. Yes we did take the time to get to know one another as people and we both mutually agreed that this is the course of action that we wanted to take. I cannot of course prove this because my Diosa Lisa wife isn't out here to back me up. Why do I call her wife? We're married in every sense of the word except legally. Hopefully by next year, I'll be able to visit her in Shelton Washington and we can get things done legally over there, then come back over here to do things legally over here in London. Although neither of us care about the legalities, we do it so that we can be recognised as husband and wife.

My Diosa does have a few conservative values and she has explained them to me. She understands that my views are a little more liberal and it's good that we're not just yes people to one another, always agreeing on everything for the sake of keeping the peace. So what makes my relationship so different to what I've sen around me? We communicate and we always ask for clarification if we do not comprehend the other's point of view. Not only that but we tell one another everything, even things that make us feel afraid; our deepest darkest secrets, fears, hopes and dreams and we always make it a point to never take the other for granted. Can I honestly say that we love one another with all that we are and infinitely more? Absolutely. We've even talked about our past relationships and even other people who we love dearly. I even make it a point to give her infinite freedom to do as she will without fear of me ever turning against her and my promise to her has been tested. Needless to say, my Diosa will not leave me nor me her.

So why am I writing about this here? I think hurstseth405 also wants a deep meaningful romantic relationship that will last for all of eternity and I'm very sorry that he had to go through what he went through with that woman. No I don't believe that hurstseth405 was being in any way malicious or dishonest and neither do I believe that he was trying to be insulting or demeaning. I admit to having a problem with articulation and sometimes, what I say and write may come out wrong. I think hurstseth405 was right in saying that his views are conservative and I believe that he was only enquiring about the woman's tattoos; I don't believe he was trying to be insulting. Should he be punished simply for asking what a particular tattoo means and stating that although he wouldn't get tattoos himself but he can respect her freedom of choice to so do? No he shouldn't. You may not like hat someone does and their reasons why they do something but you can and should respect their freedom of choice and hurstseth405 did just that. If his enquiry was met with hostility then maybe he didn't ask his questions in the right way. I hate when what I say and write comes out wrong and even now I'm improving. I pray that hurstseth405 finds someone who he can be himself with completely while also allowing her to be herself completely.
Kind regards, Amin Abdullah.

Creator of the heavens, Mother/Father of love, I see your star shining above. Please cleanse my mind with all your love so that I may heed your call of peace from above. You can say Mother, Father or both. Click here for not only the star prayer but why one must say any one of them or all of them at least three times a day.

2019-09-11 05:15:50 (edited by TheGreatCarver 2019-09-11 05:17:25)

Munawar wrote:

Relationships are often times overrated and people are difficult to satisfy nowadays, especially a group of people who've been told they're princesses ever since they were young. You don't need that type of drama in your life--no one does.

In my experience, having an overinflated ego is a trait shared by both genders equally. There are women and girls who think and act like they're the best thing since sliced bred, but there are also just as many who are down-to-earth, kind, intelligent and caring. And most girls, to my knowledge, aren't told they're princesses from a young age, so Let's not label them for a problem they neither created nor foster as a group.

The Beast adopted new raiment and studied the ways of Time and Space and Light and the Flow of energy through the Universe. From its studies, the Beast fashioned new structures from oxidised metal and proclaimed their glories. And the Beast’s followers rejoiced, finding renewed purpose in these teachings.
from The Book of Mozilla, 11:14

Thumbs up +2

2019-09-11 06:24:30

This isn't a moderation. Not quite. But it's close.

Just on the off chance, Bashu, you didn't happen to use the real-life names of either your current partner or your past one, did you?
That...kinda qualifies as giving away personally identifiable information, especially in the case of your current partner, whose city and state you also disclosed. You can do this about yourself as much as you want, but doing it about someone else is a bad idea unless this information is generally available. Is it? If not, you may want to edit or change the names/descriptions of your partner and where they live.

Now, on a non-moderation front:

I have serious trouble understanding the notion that you can be with someone for less than four weeks and think you'r destined to be together forever. You'd only known your current partner a few months before this? Personally, I read your post, and while there is some sweetness to it, there's also a ton of self-justification involved. You sound very shrill, and as if you have something to prove. You start by giving the woman's name. Then you call her Diosa, then your Diosa wife. If my current partner had been doing this on a forum within a month or two of us being together, you'd better believe I'd have some serious questions.
There's a reason I don't feel the need to gush about my partners, past or present. It's because I feel quite secure and have nothing to prove to you folks about my ability to have a relationship. So when someone comes in and splatters their success story about in such gaudy detail, it makes me shake my head, hard.
Oh also? If you ask someone about their tattoos but also drop into the conversation that you don't approve of them, that's...really not a good idea. That's social ethics 101. Because you're loading the topic before it even gets started. If someone asks you why you don't have any tattoos, or asks you what you think about tattoos, and you personally feel they're not for you? Then okay, let 'er rip. But if you're talking about someone else's tattoo, your opinion doesn't really matter. Who are you to disapprove of their tattoo, especially in a social scenario where you are presumably trying to share dialogue? Dear god. I hate to say it, but the sheer social ineptitude of this line of thought astounds me.

Check out my Manamon text walkthrough at the following link:
https://www.dropbox.com/s/z8ls3rc3f4mkb … n.txt?dl=1

Thumbs up +1

2019-09-11 06:59:08

@great carver thumbs up, you've said pretty much what I would've done in this situation, though sadly I have run into rather a larger number of self entitled, self obsessed and down right vile girls in my time, who might not have considered themselves princesses, but certainly believed that they were blaimless of all wrong doing, and everyone else should pander to them just because they were female.

However as I've said before, all generalisations are wrong, this however is another reason I advocate moving away from all the traditional dating stuff and looking at making female friends, since its blatantly obvious that the more likely someone is to be your friend, the less likely they are to be a scumbag.

Jayde wrote:

There's a reason I don't feel the need to gush about my partners, past or present. It's because I feel quite secure and have nothing to prove to you folks about my ability to have a relationship. So when someone comes in and splatters their success story about in such gaudy detail, it makes me shake my head, hard.

Woopse, I imagine I have caused you a fair few head shakes there jayde being as I've not exactly been shy about how profoundly amazing it is that my lady and I found each other.

while I definitely understand Munawar's attitude, i can't entirely agree, albeit I will be the first one to say that I personally have been stupidly lucky and I definitely know how down right miserable the other side of things can be.

With our dreaming and singing, Ceaseless and sorrowless we! The glory about us clinging Of the glorious futures we see,
Our souls with high music ringing; O men! It must ever be
That we dwell in our dreaming and singing, A little apart from ye. (Arthur O'Shaughnessy 1873.)

Thumbs up

2019-09-11 07:26:57

Dark, you have gone a little overboard a time or two, at least for my taste, though the reason I've never called you on it is because you're doing nothing wrong and frankly pointing it out would be needlessly mean.
You don't strike me as trying overly hard to justify what you have. You're sharing; there's a difference. Also, given your own self-disclosed history, I see it as a bit more a success story than a loud, rambling justification of how you and your lady are absolutely perfect for one another. Yes, it happened organically and fast. Yes, you have good chemistry and seem to do a lot of things right in the great relationship handbook. That's great. But you don't need me to tell you that. You seem confident enough in letting this stand on its own, and you share for different reasons.
I don't get that impression from Bashu, not at all. Maybe it's a language thing. I generally expect it's more than that, though. But let me say, Dark, that if you'd gushed that hard after knowing your lady only a couple of months, I'd definitely be raising eyebrows in your general direction.
But at the end of the day, I also want to point out that this is just my opinion. Nobody's here looking for validation from me, so while I'm free to share my take on things, I'm not arrogant enough to think it's a defining characteristic of all good people or anything.

On the point Munawar brought up, I tend to actually disagree more often than not. I know some really entitled people, irrespective of gender, who I don't even want to be friends with, much less date. for every female who thinks she deserves excessive things because she's female, and overplays her hand, there's at least one dude-bro out there who thinks that "wifely duties" are a thing, who thinks that being denied sex is some sort of personal offense, or who thinks that any extra given to any female at any time means that his "men's rights" are being horribly violated. They're everywhere, sadly, men and women both, with bad ideas of actual equality, so I'd like to keep away from generalizing any one gender over another for a trait that all genders seem to share among them in different ways.

Check out my Manamon text walkthrough at the following link:
https://www.dropbox.com/s/z8ls3rc3f4mkb … n.txt?dl=1

Thumbs up +1

2019-09-11 07:28:25

Greetings all.

@Jayde, have no fear regarding Lisa's real name or where she lives. I've spoken with her regarding this and she has given her full approval for me writing and speaking the way I do. The information provided is public and can be found easily if searched for. I've also requested permission from Victoria and permission has been granted. They can and may well read what I write about them because I've given them the address of this forum and they have been told of and have read all that I've written about them even before this topic. In other words, I did not do this without first asking whether or not it was okay to post this. Secondly, I know I have much to improve on, in particular regarding how I write. I'm far more used to writing in a more spiritual manor and I don't like writing this way. As for my diosa and I, we are still going strong after a year and it will only get better the longer that we're together. I'm not the only one who thinks and believes that love is infinite in every way. Unfortunately, for those who haven't experienced this, they will not believe that such is possible. However, we who number in the zillions hope that some day, everyone in this and countless other worlds can appreciate that this is not a mer fairytale, anyone can be a dios or diosa if they put down the sword and simply love.  Thirdly, I do genuinely believe that hurstseth405 was only telling us that he wouldn't get tattoos himself due to him not liking the idea of doing anything to his own body. I do not believe for a moment that he in any way expressed or implied that he looks down on anyone who would so do. Neither do I believe that asking about someone else's tattoos is rounds for punishment and ridicule. Simply saying 'it isn't for me' when asked, 'how about you, re you interested in getting one?' doesn't mean that he looked down on the questioner.

Creator of the heavens, Mother/Father of love, I see your star shining above. Please cleanse my mind with all your love so that I may heed your call of peace from above. You can say Mother, Father or both. Click here for not only the star prayer but why one must say any one of them or all of them at least three times a day.

2019-09-11 14:24:08

Also, text is a poor medium for this type of thing. The question about the tattoos could have been delivered with words that had no malice behind them, but using a tone of voice that reeked with disapproval. I'm not saying that's the case, but it is possible.

I'm the captain of this ship,
don't worry about the little clicks,
Everything is working fine,
nevermind that audible whine.

Thumbs up

2019-09-11 15:05:38

Generally though, I think it's safe to say that if you're opening a particular conversational gambit by saying something like "I don't approve, but what's your deal?", that's going to raise people's hackles. That's what appears to have happened here, but I'll gladly eat a little crow if I turn out to be wrong on this. Won't be the first time, won't be the last either.

Check out my Manamon text walkthrough at the following link:
https://www.dropbox.com/s/z8ls3rc3f4mkb … n.txt?dl=1

Thumbs up

2019-09-11 20:47:22

bashue wrote:

However, if you do meet your intended, the one you're destined to be with for all of eternity...

I have serious reservations about the soulmate and destiny of love philosophy. Sure it sounds good in movies and things, and those who are in love will swear that they're destined to be together, but the reality is that human beings in today's day and age are shallow, selfish, and impossible to please. Every time one of my friends goes through a divorce or breakup, or I see one of them suffering because their partner is woefully dominant, I actually become more thankful for being single. Over time, I have come to believe, gradually, that humans are not meant to stay together for long periods of time and that we evolved or were created (whichever is your preference) to be independent. I fear that the very Christian idea of marriage and everlasting love has become so deeply part of our culture, however, that many of us can't imagine a world without these institutions; when in actuality, if we really were to be honest with ourselves, we would observe human (and indeed animal) behavior to not fit with the idea of everlasting, monogamous love for all of eternity. We write it off as "she no longer pleases me emotionally" or "he spends all day at work" but the reality of the matter is that the heart has moved on.

As with everything, there are exceptions to this rule and we have seen time and again marriage and pairings that last until death, but by no means do I believe that this type of institution should be normalized and expected from people.

Why should I get weird looks when I say I'm perfectly happy being single and am neither looking for nor desirous of a companion?

Thumbs up

2019-09-11 23:52:54

I certainly don't think marriage is the only way to a happy partnership. In fact, I tend to agree that, in many cases, people do it either because they're expected to, or because of the legal benefits it provides. Having said that, while I would be perfectly content to skip the whole business of engagement and marriage, should that time come, I also think that, if I care enough for my potential partner, and they would be affronted if marriage wasn't the end goal, that would be something I could compromise on. Everyone has a different threshhold for these sorts of things. In my case, having children is my dealbreaker, though unfortunately I'm beginning to realize that I'm cutting myself off from a lot of great oppurtunities, since that's so central to many people's identity and goals. I knew this logically, of course, but recent circumstances have forced me to look at it through a much less rational lens as well.

I think that it's very possible, though not always easy, to state your needs and desires in a non-threatening fashion. I got the impression that the OP in this topic probably did come on too agressively, especially in regards to the tattoo question. It's ok to have an irrational negative reaction to certain things, no matter if you can actually understand why you're having that reaction or not, although of course that's preferable. What is really not ok though is to project those views onto someone who is, for lack of a better term, not yours, or becoming overly defensive about things that person chooses to do with their life or body. It's ok to say that you don't want to be involved with someone who has x characteristic, but making that person feel like they have to justify it to you, or worse, make them insecure about a thing that subsets of society already shame them for, is a marker of low emotional intelligence.

The glass is neither half empty nor half full. It's just holding half the amount it can potentially hold.

Thumbs up +1

2019-09-12 00:39:50 (edited by bashue 2019-09-12 01:18:03)

Greetings munawar.
You definitely make some good points here and they feel too real for me to dismiss. I do indeed believe in love ever lasting and that Lisa my diosa is the one for me. However, it would be foolish to expect absolute perfection in any relationship be it romantic or otherwise. We both have shortcomings/faults that we need to work on in order for us to grow as individuals and we both accept that we're going to get things wrong from time to time. Could we hurt one another without even intending to? Indeed we can and the trick is not to argue about it but instead present our own arguments respectfully while taking into account the other's arguments and accepting them as valid, even if you don't agree. The one thing we will never do is dominate the other; we will listen, communicate and come to an understanding. This is why I'll never agree with those who say it's normal to argue. As for cheating, there's just no need for it, nor should the temptation be felt. The reason why I say this is because open relationships do exist. No I'm not in an open relationship but first Victoria then Lisa my diosa asked me to be monogamous and I agreed because I was not forced to make the decision and it was a request, not a demand. I know that if you have 3 or more in an open relationship, it can get very complicated very quickly. Also, why should it always be the man who has multiple women? Why not a woman with multiple men? Why is such a thing frowned upon? I don't see the problem personally, I just choose to be monogamous because it makes both Lisa and I happy; we're already complete. Now, going briefly into spirituality, are monogamous relationships truly monogamous? Wouldn't it be fair to say that we have triune relationships and for those who are single, biune or duo relationships? So who is the third then in said relationships or second if you're single? Why, Allah Jehovah Mother/Father God. Finally, is there anything wrong with being single? Indeed there is not and singlehood is something to be treasured and enjoyed. Looking back, I regret not having enjoyed my bachelorhood and there was no reason for me not to have enjoyed it save for the fact that I wanted something I couldn't have at the time. from what you've told us, bachelorhood definitely agrees with you. Having said that, I absolutely despise cultures whereby you're looked down on if you're not married by a certain age. The concept of enforced arranged marriages disgusts me to the core and if I get lynched for saying this, I will not retract my next statement. Those who force/enforce anything be it arranged marriages or anything else for that matter are in error for practising such. While I wouldn't call the people themselves despicable, I can definitely call their actions despicable; hate the sin and love the sinner. As for voluntary arranged marriages, they're rather like date nights and you don't have to accept those your family presents to you as romantic interests. However, it would be wise to befriend them and you can always present someone who you've fallen in love with to the family and you to their family. If the marriage your and your partner's families arranged for you work then that is indeed most excellent. We could go into other points to AKA same gender romantic relationships and the like but I don't have a very strong opinion regarding them. All I can say about that is if they make you happy and you make them happy then nobody should stand in the way of love for any reason what so ever. As for bachelorhood and spinsterhood, nobody should look down on you for that and stand in your way just because they think that it's time for you to marry someone. I’m glad that you enjoy bachelorhood and I truly believe that bachelorhood and spinsterhood are just as precious as marriage. No, I’m not saying this as a yes man, I’m saying it because I recognise the fact that I should have enjoyed my own bachelorhood before going into a romantic relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t trade my diosa Lisa wife for anything or anyone and I’m very happy where I am. I simply recognise that I should have enjoyed the time before we decided to be a couple.

Kind regards, Amin Abdullah.

Creator of the heavens, Mother/Father of love, I see your star shining above. Please cleanse my mind with all your love so that I may heed your call of peace from above. You can say Mother, Father or both. Click here for not only the star prayer but why one must say any one of them or all of them at least three times a day.

2019-09-12 00:51:06

See, this last post actually speaks a fair amount of sense, and I mostly agree with it.

I do disagree that arguments are bad. Arguments, as in disagreements that cause you and at least one other individual to express differing opinions as a means of reaching some kind of revolution, are healthy if handled properly. I argue with my partner sometimes; we try and do it respectfully, and we never shout at or insult or belittle one another. It's just point for point, and sometimes words miss the mark and feelings get hurt, but then ownership of one's actions comes into play and we're both good at that. So if you're constantly fighting and scrapping with a would-be partner, that's a bad sign. But if you have a partner or spouse or whatnot, and you sometimes strike a few sparks because you disagree and get a little heated, that's natural enough. Just handle it like adults.

I also agree with the sentiment that relationships aren't for everyone. While I shake my head at some of the worst cynicism I'm seeing here, I also recognize that everyone is different. I feel like I probably could remain single and be happy, but I'm also happy with my partner, so I'll take it. Maybe if I haven't already (and right now memory fails me) I'll one day explain how that all worked out. It's actually sort of interesting...or it is to me, anyhow. Point is, everyone has a right to be partnered, or not, as they see fit. I would never shame someone for deciding to stay single, and I would come down like a ton of bricks on someone who did. Or someone who tried shaming a same-sex couple or whatever. Love is love, and if it's not about you then it's really not your business.
Fun fact about arranged marriages though: as far as I can remember when I looked into this years ago, they apparently work a whole hell of a lot more often than you'd expect, and don't seem to generate near the amount of outrage in those experiencing them as they do in outsiders looking inward without any sort of personal stake. I'm not quite sure why, but I do think sometimes people do decide to drop a relationship rather more quickly than otherwise they would. I mean sure, sometimes people really do grow apart, or the dynamics of a partnership change, but I think sometimes those changes can be positive, or at least worked with, without implying unending unhappiness for one or more parties. But at the end of the day, we have to do what's best. Whether that's finding a partner or not, we have to do what makes the most sense.

Turtlepower, I love the way you summarized what you did in your latest post. Spot freaking on.

Check out my Manamon text walkthrough at the following link:
https://www.dropbox.com/s/z8ls3rc3f4mkb … n.txt?dl=1

Thumbs up +1