Lol i knew which one it was as soon as you mentioned them having a mobile network. I remember my gf used to have one of there phones a couple years back, well at least one of the ones they were selling. Anyway, some of this seems a bit to good to be true.

looooling. rofling. dying.
i...
have, no words.
none at all.
just...
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!
regards

So I got told to share this pair with you lot. Because you lot loved the first one.....
So, story #1:

Cast: Me - me F - Friend ED - Entitled Dad EK - Entited Kid

So, I spent a year in the US a decade ago helping my friend (F in the story) with rodeo stuff. So....worked out of a ranch near the Cabinet Mountains in Montana. Beautiful scenery....

So, I'm getting ready to head out and check the ranch and shoo any misbehaving animals back into place, when I hear a truck pull up. I'm talking lifted, chromed out truck.....with Idaho plates, or, one state and about 50 miles give or take, away. Don't think much of it till I see this kid in designer gear climb down and the first thing he says is, 'Dad, there's mud here. I'll ruin my shoes'

Of course there's mud. It's.....a ranch. So, my friend had booked this kid in for a work placement. Note: My friend in both these stories, same guy, Native American, got a way with horses. He's certified to teach people. So kid gets mounted up, the discussion goes like this, and I've translated the wording into English where needed

Me: Alright, do the stirrups feel level? Grab the front of the saddle and we'll check
EK: I wanna ride
F: Looks good from here
Me: Looks a tiny bit short on the left
F: Nah, it's fine. I ride like that all the time and you'd never notice
EK: So can I start riding?

At this point, the girth started coming loose a tiny bit. So.......I was tasked to tighten it up. I knew to keep my distance from the horses, they are evil, evil mofos who will ruin your day if given half a chance......though I leaned in, got the girth sorted. Or, so I thought.

Me: There we go, it's sorted
EK: Yay I like this horse
Me: I do too, he's a good little gelding, ain't ya?
Horse: *neighs happily and nudges my hand*
ED: The girth's coming loose again
Me: I just tightend it. It's tightened up fine. Just leave it, once the horse starts moving it'll go back into place
ED: You're wrong
F: No, I told him to set the girth up that way
Me: Don't argue with somebody who cuts cattle for a living and competes in rodeos
ED: [n-word] can't be cowboys
Me: On second thought, you want to sort the girth, I'm all for it, get up close and check it
F: You're up to something, aren't you?
Me: Nah
EK: I wanna ride *bounces in the saddle*
ED: Fucking piece of shit [n-word] can't tack a horse right
Me: You be nice to that horse. He'll ruin your day
F: (translated roughly from Cree): Get the horse to shit on him
Me: *nods and nudges the horse's front leg*
Horse: *unleashes an avalanche of dung onto ED's shoes*
Me: That.....okay, I'll admit, that's karma
ED: Fuck you all I'm going to fucking sue you"
Me: You might want to clean your shoes off...and your mouth too

EK got his lesson, dear old Entited Dad got picked up 45 minutes later for calling the cops on us. Remember that blinged out truck? Well he went to get in it to get his ID and a little white powdered vial fell out. Yep. He got nabbed for possession, and in a weird twist of fate, EK stayed with us for a few weeks and learned to help. He was still entiteld, but grew out of it the more he helped out. Last I hard (bout 6 years ago by this point) that kid was working with horses and helped on another ranch

Story #2: I'm more blind than you!

Cast.....

me: Me
F: Friend
EG: Entoitled
BK1: Blind Kid 1
BK2: Blind Kid
EK: Entitled Kid

So....F and I were in California for a rodeo (stockton), and we'd gone to a big store for stuff, big store, blue lights, all of that. So we'd gone in and started shopping. The usual US big store experience. So we felt a tap on the cart and had what I assume was a social worker ask us if we could help this blind kid out, her folks were stuck in traffic and she had shopping to do. I said yeah, and said we'd help her. So, the now trio of us went around the store shopping. For reference the kid was about 16 or 17, shy, sweet as anything and highly, HIGHLY opinionated.

So we got to the candy aisle, which was all sorts of boxes of candy, cakes, etc. enter Entitled Grandma and Entitled Kid.

Blind Kid 1 was on a training course or something, I assumed because of the way he was being spoken to and (unfrunately) jerked around to keep him on course. The blind girl with us (BK2) was looking for a cake for her mom's birthday or anniversary or something, and F was telling her what was on the shelf. This is when it gets interesting

F: So, you got vanilla, you got chocolate cake, you got swirl cakes
BK2: Do they have any ordinary chocolate cakes? Mom said she wanted me to get an ordinary cake so Dad could help me decorate
Me: Just a plain cake? Yeah, here *hands it to BK2* You're over the cart
BK2: Sweet. Hey, can I grab a cake for myself?
Me: I'm not gonna get you in trouble by saying yes am I?
BK2: Nah, Mom gave me $20 extra to get stuff for myself

Enter....Blind Kid 1 into the conversation....

bk1: Cakes
Me: Mmm, chocolate cake
F: Cakes, yep. Cakes, candies, and all sorts of sugary goodness
Me: You think we can sneak these into the rodeo and...
F: Put i tthis way. Do you want 20 horses fighting over who gets to us first?
Me: Nooooooooooope
BK2: You guys rodeo?
F: Yeah, we flew in from Montana
BK1: Nobody cares
Me: Nobody asked you
BK1: *sweeps cane and trips F*
F: What the hell?
BK1: I'm on a course, get out of the way
Me: With that attitude you won't go far in life
BK2: *grips onto cart*
BK1: What's the matter bitch, you're not independent?
Me: Cut it out kid. Nobody asked you to join in the discussion. Keep walking
BK1: Fuck off. I'm blind
me: Oh so that's a free pass to act like a douchebag in public, wave your cane and trip somebody then yell at them?
BK1: Should have fucking moved out the way
Me: And you should have kept walking
F: *swears in Cree*
BK2: You speak Cree?
F: ....yes. You know what I said?
BK2: No but my teacher is Navajo and I've studied you guys
Me: Can we go one damn rodeo without running into somebody from a tribe?
BK2: No, we're following you around
Me: *snorts* Hey, we got a fanclub. Oh hell yeah!
BK1: Speak English
Me: You know there's no official language of the US right?
BK2: he's right
BK2 by now her arm around my shoulder and looks like she legit wants to fight

Enter EG and EK:

EK: But I waaaaaaant cookies! (heard from like 8 aisles over)
EG: Well I'll get you cookies for doing well in school
EK: *body checks BK1 pretty much through the the shelves*
BK1: What the fuck?
EG: Don't swear in front of my grandson
Me: Oh no. Oh no.....I'm just gonna get those cakes and leave
BK2: No no...I want to punch that blind kid
BK1: You can't hit me. I'm blind. It's a crime
Me: So's being a giant dick in public. OhWhat's that, your pants are on? Put your hood up and cover your....oh, wait. YHou're compensating for something
BK1: *charges BK2, F and I, misses and careenes into a store employee and begins punching thinking it's me*
Store employee: Ow stop what stop *restrains BK1*
BK1: Assault! Get over here Mr. Doe!
BK2: Is that your instructor? I don't hear him coming
F:  Nah, nobody's coming
BK2: Alright, let's just get our shit and leave
EG: Don't swear in front of my grandson
BK2: *proceeds to quote, Verbatim, George Carlin's Seven Dirty Words*
Me: *is dying laughing by this point*
F: You found a keeper?
Me: Uh oh.....that's my cue to run the hell away right?
BK1 by this time had been guided back to the cake aisle and still wanted to fight me. I wasn't having any of this. Not because I'd lose the fight, but because beating up on a blind kid is just.....
BK2: *takes BK1's cane* You'll get this back when you behave
Me: *whistles* Okay. Props to you lady
BK2: I'm a lady?
BK2: Since when?
Me: Ah ya know what I mean
BK1: Give my cane back you bitch I'm blind
BK2: I am too, and you'll get it back when you...
EG: *snatches cane* neither of you will have it
EK: I wanna play with it!
Me: C'mon guys, let's go
EK: *is pretend sword fighting with the cane*
Me: Yep. Time to go
BK2 has her arm around my shoulders and is walking quite happily with us again, when.....
BK1: Give me my god damn cane back!
Me: I don't have it, and BK2 doesn't. That old lady back there has it, her son's playing with it
BK1: *goes back carefully to G* I want my cane back
EG: Oh you don't need it
BK1: I do, I'm blind
EK: My toy!
EG: My nephew deserves it more. He's more blind than you

That was our cue to leave. BK2 and her parents took F and I to dinner as thanks. Fun fact, I still talk to BK2 to this day. Ever saw EK or EG or BK1 again....thankfully.

Priceless. If this is real, I have no words. If you're making this stuff up, props because it's absolutely fantastic!

Also Jace, thought you were visually impaired.

Holy shit man this is hilarious. I believed it might have been a real thing for the first post but then figured it was probably made up after the second... but post 17 convinced me it was.
Gotta love Reddit sometimes... I should get on there more.

Lol it would be fun to make an audio skit of this story. I don't know if I'm quite that board but if I don't feel like doing anything else and people want me too, maybe I will just for amuzement, I haven't made any new little audio productions like that in a while

yeah  definitely
well, after your second post about this, i started to think that  it's made up, but grate storry  by the way
i'd like to heare an  other audio skit by you, sam, if possible

So....I figured I'd post this here....mostly since it's still making me laugh a week later. For reference, Wales is a weird place. Feel free to read this one out. in a video Bonus points if you can nail the accents.

Cast: Me: Me, resident dragon petter and great Khal
F1: Friend one, my Dothraki companion and keeper of sharp pointy things
F2: Friend 2, the blood of Old Valeria
EM: Larger than the Mountain. Dumber than Theon Grayjoy.
NK: Poor, innocent girl of about 16 or 17. Legal in Westeros, and Wales.
Waiter: The bringer of goblets of things and plates of delicious food. Or bowls of delicious eats prepared by the servants.
Owner: The owner of the fine establishment.
Police #1 and #2: The local guardians of peace and order

...yeah, there's a theme here, you know?

So, I went out to grab a bite to eat with my friend, F1. Now, I have a jacket that's patterned to look like armor (Chainmail with dragon scales), and a t-shirt with a certain woman and dragon on it. Come on, the dragons are awesome. My jacket has a certain group of canids on it, too.....so, F1 and I sat down and ordered.

Now, F1 got me into cosplaying as a Khal, you know, armor, hair, all that. Unwritten rule of the three of us. Don't break character. F2 learned this from family that were/are in the pro wrestling business, and she taught us about keeping character and it's an unwritten rule/challenge that the first one to break character has to do a forfeit of some sort........so I had a jacket made for myself,. Not the one I was wearing at that point, really, but I had a prop sword on it, a rounded off one that's not sharp at all. Complete with sheath, too...

So, we sit down, and I ordered, then F1 ordered too. Enter F2, in full on North armor. Yes. Full. North. Armor.

So, F2 settles down with us, orders, I forgot what F1 and 2 ordered, but....we were just talking,  waiting on our food and stuff. F2 put on her jacket to cover up her armor. Full on North jacket, too.
Enter EM and NK. They sit down at the next table. I don't think anything of it, though EM's a Karen, haircut, shades, she's wel built, by that I mean large,and she has no shades n...but she is a very, very well built woman. In the 'a whale learned to walk on land' way

So we're talking, saying what F2 should do, when....

F2: Yeah but....you're forgetting it's cold
Me: So? Curl up with a pup then
F2: I'm not getting stupid enough to try that one
F1: no, come with us. It's warm where we are
Me: It is. and I won't let anyone hurt you
F2: Hmm...but.....
F1: But nothing

EM's not paying any attention, but NK, about 16-17 or so, has noticed my jacket, it's somewhere between chain mail and dragon scales.

NK: Nice jacket
Me: Thanks
F1: You had to kil a dragon to make that
F2: You're wearing it to honor your first dragon egg aren't you?
Me: Mhmmm
NK: Cool, can I have one?
Me: Sorry, I paid somebody to make me this
NK: Aw okay
Me: But, since you're nice *scribbles down the info and hands it to NK*

EM fiiiiiiiiiinally joins the discussion

EM: What are you doing?
Me: Oh, I was explaining about my jacket
EM: Give my daughter your jacket
Me: I'm not going to do that
EM: You are.
Me: No. This jacket means a lot to me *motions to F1*
F1: Listen, that jacket means a lot, now go away
F2: Don't make me stand up

F2 is, forr reference, same height and build as Sansa, though darker skin and longer hair which is the wrong color, but was in full armor under her jacket.

Me: Trust me, you don't want that
Everyone in the cafe's watching us

Waiter: Is something wrong?
Me: No, I was just telling this woman why my jacket isn't being given to her

Prepare for epic, epic stupid.....
NK: Is your name Drogon?
Me: No. His name is on the jacket?
EM: Who the F is Drogon?
Me: A great Khal of the Dothraki
Random customer: How the F do you not know who Drogon is you stupid woman?

At this point, I wanted to do something, but....it all played out in a way that had F1, F2 and I laughing for days afterward

F1: I think you'd better leave
F2: Now
Waiter: Ma'am you're causing trouble
F2: Am not
Waiter: Not you, her *giving Karen a pointed look*
NK: I want a jacket like yours
EM: You heard. Give her your jacket

Now, F1 and 2 know if I slide my jacket off a certain way....it means there's gonna be trouble. I slid it off that way but still kept it close enough to grab with one hand
EM: See that wasn't so hard...what are you wearing?
Me: It's.....clothing? I'm not walking around naked after all
F1: Much as some of us would like that
Me: Shh!
F2: *waggles eyebrows at me*
NK: Can you tell me who made your t-shirt?
Me: Sure I'll write it down
Me: There *written down where I had my t-shirt made*
EM: Is that who i think it is?
Me: The Mother of Dragons, yes
EM: You're wearing something with a murderer on it? You're teaching my daughter it's okay to kill innocents?
Me: Oh believe me, I would do the same with certain people
EM: I'm calling the pol...
Me: *motions to F1 and 2 and draw my (prop) sword*
F1draws his Arak and  F2 draws her sword and slides her jacket off
Waiter:  If there's going to be a murder in here do it quietly.

That last one was a running joke in the cafe since the owner lets us do our cosplay/LARP as long as....1 We got no actual weapons, hence the prop stuff. 2. We don't actually hurt anyone, if we let others join we teach them in an in character way and 3. We've got a system for sparring, pull our strikes. To be fair we spar in a back room.k
Me: I can't promise that. She may squeal like a Lannister...never mind, there's young here. She may squeal like a hog on a roast
F1: I was going to say skewer her
F2: no. that's a waste of a skewer and an insult to animals
Me: Indeed. Now. Go
EM: I'm calling the police!
Me; You can either leave now, woman, or we crowd you out the door
EM: I'm not leaving
Me: I am OP of House Targaryen and I insist you leave this establishment.
F1: I am F1 of the Dothraki and I will either let you leave, or make you leave
F2: I am F2 of House Stark and you will leave this place of business.
Me: But your daughter can stay, she is perfectly behaved
NK *catches on and curtsies* lady Stark!

Yes, we'd somehow accidentally got the nice kid into our thing. whoops....or not

NK: Mom, just leave. I'll deal with this
EM: No!
Owner:: *comes out of the kitchen and looks at us with a raised eyebrow* What....?
Me: This large woman won't leave your place of business. She insulted me
EM: He's supporting a killer!
Me: You better leave
What happened next was.....all over in a few moments. EM went to steal my jacket, so I put my sword between Em and the jacket, and caught her knuckles. She naturally screams assault. I warn her to be quiet. EM refuses and again goes for my jacket with her other hand, I catch her knuckles with my sword and push her hand back, and keep pushing it back. She then takes a swing at me. That's it. F1 and 2 come to join in. I block her swing with my arm, and nod to F2 to deal with her. Mostly since if I hit her, really hit her hard with the prop sword.......I'll get in trouble from the land whale

Waiter gets between us and I raise my sword to tell the others to hold up. They do. Waiter is arguing with EM:

Waiter: You need to leave, you assaulted a customer after trying to steal a jacket
EM: No they assaulted me
EM: I want them arrested!
Me: No, we did nothing wrong
Em: You have swords and whatevr *that* is (meaning the Arak)
Me: That, is a traditional Dothraki weapon
F1: *is showing off with it sitting back at the table*
F2: You need to leave

An idea strikes me

Me: Do you have a bell

Now, if you think you know where this is going......

Owner: *looks lost* Uh...I can get one, why?
F1: Oh you'll see. If she's going to leave, then....
Me: Oh she'll leave....
F2: Well, either leave or be herded out the door.
Waiter catches on. "So she'll walk out and be ashamed?
Me: Yes *with a slow nod*
Waiter: Okay
Me: *motions to F1 and F2* Food
So we sit down and eat. Somehow, the EM's been allowed to stay, (for now), somethiing something threatening to sue something something paying customer something food something. So we're eating, and I got my jacket back on, but still got a hold of my sword in one hand. No problem. I ordered soup, eating it with my other hand was interesting.

Conversation was like this:

EM: Why are you slurping your soup (note: Pet peeve of mine too, but was trying to be quiet)
Me: Because...it's soup?
F1: Just drink from the bowl
Me: I have standards!
F2: Hardly
Me: I do have standards!
EM: You're all animals and insane

F2 gets to her feet. Insane is a trigger word for her, so we set our food down and both stand up, we adore each other and we'll defend to the hilt

EM: No sane person comes in here armed and....
F2: *draws her sword and is ready to kil* You said what?
Me: F2, come here
Me: *sheaths my sword and pulls F2 into a fierce hug....after hinting to sheath her sword*
F1: *goes over to EM's table and just....stands there*
EM: I want these three removed. They're harrassing me
Me: You were the one to pick fights with us. I would say lady but that means you got a certain class. I'd say pig but that's an insult to pigs everywhere
Owner: Are you okay?
F2:I think so
Me: She'll be okay
EM: Leave

At this point, sirens are heard. Cops got called by...NK

Police #1: What's going on?
Owner explains
Police #2: *looking at our stuff* A targaryen, a Dothraki and a Stark walk into a cafe?
Me: Yes. Yes

I know what you're thinking, we'll have to break character to explain to the guards. Nope. F1 found an amazing way to keep character and explain things, so while that was going on.....

EM tries to swipe my jacket off my shoulders this time. Police #22 sees it, and F2, still hugging me, starts bending EM's fingers back to get her to let go. EM screams assault. Police #2 doesn't do anything since in his view, self defense.
Once things were explained to Police #1 and #2 was gearing up to cuff the EM.....

NK had stayed quiet through this, but she was wanting to join in with us.....and she had an absolute gem of a comeback

EM: I want these three arrested!
Police #2: You tried to steal his jacket
Me: You did and you got your fingers bent back to get you to let go
EM: You're carrying weapons
Police #1: They're allowed to. They are legal
Me: Indeed, these are legal

For reference, since I *know* somebody's going to ask, the swords F2 and I had on were actual metal, prop swords with rounded edges. Think practise swords, but made less painful. They (I believe) have something inside them to make blows not hurt and they are not sharp at all, but if you didn't know that you'd think they were real swords. Same for F1's Arak. Helps to have friends who work with metal to make all this stuff for us, and work with clothing. See, I work with horses in my day job, so I just got to know metalworkers and tailors through that...

Back to the convo:

Police #2: If you don't calm down I wil have to arrest you for being disorderly in public
Me: Please do, she has been nothing but ill tempered since she came in.
NK: I'll stay here. My father's at work. Unlike you *glaring at EM* he actually knows how to be nice to people, and doesn't resemble a meteorite that is looking for a place to land, or a whale desperately looking for water, or the perfect advert for weight loss surgery.
Me: *nods to the officers*
F2: About that bell....
Police #1:I'm not going to do anything to any of you, have a wonderful day
Me: I will
EM: What? Aren't you going to arrest them or something Don't you know how to do your jobs? I pay your wages!
Police #1: They've done nothing wrong.
EM: They have! Are you too stupid to notice it
Police #2: I've heard enough. *gives the standard UK arrest spiel*

EM won't quit screaming she'll hav their jobs for this, how she's sooooo important, et cetera

Police #2: Let's go
Police #1: If there's anything else you need
Me: We'll talk with you
F1: *grabs the bell* I think we should give her a fitting retreat
F1, F2, me and NK: Shame, shame, Shame, Shame, *as EM's being escorted out*

We got to stay and got free food. Turns out NK and EM hate each other. EM's Canadian and adopted (hence her use of Mom earlier), and wanted out of that house. The kicker, she moved in with F2, who adopted her a few months later. And NK's joined us in our LARP activities, she's, yes, a Stark.

TL:DR: EM is an idiot with three GOT LARPers, gets to take walk of shame in handcuffs. Nice kid gets a better mom outta the deal.mother out of it.

what... the actual... just... wow.