2019-03-23 18:16:41

These can include things you yourself have said, done, have had said to you, done to you, have been a part of, and so on.  Examples, you ask?  Well... I guess I must...
Funniest thing I've ever said: I was broadcasting one day about 6 years ago and couldn't figure out what on earth was causing my audio to crap out during the show which involved having a ton of people conferenced in.  Up until that point, I had never sworn on air, never lost my cool, never shown anything akin to anger or frustration, and I'd been broadcasting for about a year or so already, so you would figure I'd just go about tinkering and figuring out what the blazes was going on and solving the problem.  One of the callers pointed out to me that I hadn't solved it yet.  There's a moment of silence which lasted about 3 seconds, after which I erupted on air with, "What the FUCK!"
Funniest thing I ever asked:  no joke, "Do you remember what I forgot to tell you?"  I was about 11, it was about midnight... I was talking to my Godfather about heaven only knows what anymore or why I even asked that question, as evidenced by the fact that I obviously forgot whatever it is I couldn't remember.
Funniest thing I ever did: I was on my way to a wrestling tournament at about 5 in the morning about 14 years ago.  I experienced a moment of doubt in which I couldn't remember if I had pack my wrestling shoes in my bag.  Doubt turned into fear and anxiety as I started combing through everything inside only to discover that my wrestling shoes weren't in there.  This lasted for about 5 minutes.  Sad fact?  My wrestling shoes were on my feet.
Funniest thing I've been a part of: A girl called me up on a school night at about 3 in the morning wailing at me about how her computer wasn't working.
Me to her: "Calm down.  Just take it easy.  We'll figure this out."
Her to me: "You don't understand... It suddenly quit working!  For no reason!  All my music, my contacts, my emails!  It's all in there!"
Me to her, getting a bit frustrated: "Seriously, you need to calm down."
Her to me:  "It's easy for you to say, your computer still works!  Not mine!  I brows AOL!  I post on  message boards... I hang out in chatrooms just like you used to!  Why can't I get you to care!"
Me, finally losing it: "Shut up and calm down!"  After awhile she finally does.
Me to her after she calms down:  "I want you to get on the floor and check the main connection."
Her to me:  "Do you think I'm stupid or something?"
Me to her; "No, I just asked you to do something I sincerely want you to do.  Get down on the floor and check the electrical connection."
Silence for about 3 minutes, followed by windows botting up sounds and JAWS speaking.  How did I know that was the problem?  I happened to remember that she had just recently hooked her PC up to a long power strip everyone in her household was complaining about and calling a tripping hazard.  Apparently, the trama of losing her computer so suddenly was such that she forgot.

When life gives you oranges, demand lemons since everyone else is obviously getting them.

2019-03-23 21:47:32 (edited by mohamed 2019-03-23 21:49:11)

oh this is interesting
I don’t have funny things happen to me. because you know... I am a kid. 14  is a kid  right?

2019-03-24 01:17:43

is it sad the majority of things i laugh at are people stubbing their toes or something of that nature? I have so many stories, many of which involve my dad, but I cant narrow them all down. I guess the funniest thing I've ever said was one night when I was really tired, and I asked in a completely serious context and mindset, no joking, where the sun goes when it sets.

2019-03-24 02:30:59

I seem to remember a bunch of these sorts on r/askreddit or r/tifu. I'll go ahead and post some below because events in my life just aren't nearly this good, or maybe they're confined to the darkest regions of the mind to only surface when I'm looking for reasons to be pissed at myself.
***Note*** a lot of the stuff seen below is NSFW and contains rather rough language. Go ahead to the next post if easily offended. Anyway...
Ok I actually got a little carried away... This post has grown to be pretty huge. Seriously, reddit is such a goldmine.


Stupidtest things I've ever done (aside from the classic got married, had children, etc etc)

A couple years ago I was trying to make a phone call on my smart phone. I dialed the number, held it to my ear and didn't hear anything. So, I dialed again, held it to me ear and didn't hear anything. At this point I was frustrated. I had full service, I was in an area that I've never had a dropped call. So, I shut off my phone screen, opened it back up and dialed again. Once again, nothing. At this point I'm pissed. So for a 4th time, I dial the number. As im looking at my phone, raging mad that my technology is failing me, I suddenly realize I'm using the calculator app.

When I was 7, me and my dad had an argument about something petty and I stormed off to my room pretty upset. Later on, after my Dad had gone to work, some people knocked on my door asking for the keys to the family car to "do maintenance on". I was still pretty upset and didn't know any better, so I gave the keys away.

My sister forgot her phone once when she left for work. So I called her to inform her and wondered why she wasn't picking up. I've never felt so stupid.

I texted my friend in a panic one morning because I couldn't find my phone when I was heading out and thought I'd dropped it somewhere last night when we were out drinking.
He texted back "..."

Guy through an electronic cigarette out the window, never to be seen again.

When I was about 8, I was walking out of school, I picked up some pink fairy floss (cotton candy) off the ground and put it in my mouth. It was insulation.


Funniest things ever said in public:
There actually seems to be a thing for theater comity, dumb stuff people do while watching movies anyway.

When I watched the first paranormal at a midnight showing, these 2 guys were arguing for a good portion of the movie. Basically it was this on a loop of sorts.
Guy 1: JUST FUCKIN SHOOT HIM, OMG! Guy 2: you can't shoot a ghost man!

I saw Paranormal Activity 3 in theaters and at the end when the dad opens the door to see a bunch of witches standing there, some guy in the back yelled "SHIT NIGGAAA RUNNNNN!"

I was at a theater sitting next to this dude who was obviously pretty fucked up. Gets to a really suspenseful portion of the movie, this guy stands up and yells "GANG BAAAAAAAANG" and the whole theatre collectively loses their shit.

My wife and I take our children to see Santa in Macy's NYC. We have a five year old boy and a three year old girl. We get on the elevator to go up and my son says to a twenty something girl as she gets on ... "Hey girlfriend, do you wanna see my pokemon?"

My kid and me after a large blow out I had with my Ex wife over something stupid, our two daughters heard my ex unloading on about how she hates me and how terrible I am, and I knew when she gets like that I have to walk away she would say some pretty cutting things. Anyways i am angry and I go sit on the couch in the living room with the lights off. My 4 year old walks up to me
L : Dad? No one likes you eh?
Me:Yeah I gathered... thanks.
L: Mommy doesn't Like you, I don't like you Helen(1.5yo) doesnt like you...
Me: Yeah Thanks.
L: HAHAHA I played a joke on you. I am kidding. I don't know what helen thinks.

Went to McDonald's once and headed for the bathroom. Just before I opened the door this small child busts through with his friend and he yells "I ain't washing my hands, I'm a baaad boy!"
This happened 4 years ago and I still laugh about it.

As a child, my Brother didn't like peanuts. As a treat after dinner one Sunday we had Cornettos, my brother peeled the wrapper off and then turned to my Dad and said, "Daaaaaad, can you nibble my nuts off?" My aunt wet herself laughing.

my son was little we were having a thunderstorm. He heard thunder and turned to my husband, "didja hear that giant robot daddy?"

Uncle had a tick in his ear when we went camping. my nephew pronounced tick as dick and would not stop shouting “uncle toms got a big ol dick in his ear” over and over again.

My youngest was maybe 4. We were in a store and we wandered into the home goods section. On display was a massive three foot or so round clock. In the loudest, clearest voice possible, my son starts shouting about the big cock...he’s never seen such a big cock...why is that cock so big, etc. Priceless.

My nephew used to yell out "Look at that big dumb fuck!" when he passed dump trucks when he was ~3. Definitely turned some heads.

My husband was pulled up for random breath testing. As the cop told us we were fine to go on our way, my youngest child piped up "Well that went better than last time!"
Turns out he meant last time hubby was RBTed he bitched about it because it was raining and the shoulder he was pulled up on was boggy.

I'm colorblind and my niece is really struggling to understand it. She always offers to teach me colors. As she says, "You just have to be smart." Yep, that's my problem. I'm not smart enough.

When I was little kid my mom told me I once burst out crying in the middle of a drive somewhere. She asked what was wrong and I said the TV Always said you should never drink and drive!
She was drinking 7-up. Those commercials NEVER tell kids not to drink alcohol while driving. Just don’t drink and drive. Pretty understandable for a kid to get confused.

A few years ago I had my nephew, who was about 13 at the time, and my son, then around 6, in the car with me. We were visiting grandma out of town, and I was pointing out stuff from my youth.
Me: "I used to get my hair done there, when I was young and pretty..."
13 (being a tool, but clearly joking): "you were never pretty."
6 (indignant at this insult to his mother): "you don't say that, she was too! It was just a long time ago, I saw pictures!"
Thanks, buddy.

So my almost 4 year old has a speech delay, and she pronounces horse as “whore” and she has a my little pony toy that she takes everywhere. Anyway, she dropped it in Walmart one time and I didn’t notice and was walking away (she was in the cart) and she yells “MOMMY MY WHORE! Get my whore!!” Oh god I laughed so fucking hard, as did a lot of people around me. Obviously had some nasty looks, but whatever. She thinks she says horse.
We’re working on it.

My cousin was a toddler, didn't have much of a vocabulary and was easily excited by everything construction related (thanks to Bob the Builder).
We were on the sidewalk when this guy is driving by slowly. My cousin starts yelling at the top of his lungs "Dumb fuck! Dumb fuck! Dumb fuck!". Over and over while laughing and pointing right at him.
I presume the guy driving the dump truck was confused.

My 18 month old daughter, my wife, and I went to the beach about a month ago.
We are teaching her manners so when she wants something she needs to follow the formula, "(thing I want) please!"
We're teaching her to tell us when she wants to go to the beach, but it's sounding more like bitch. We're trying to correct her but it's not getting through.
She gets frustrated with us, and goes up to my mother in law who asks her if she wants a treat of some sort and she just says, "Bitch, please."

I once heard my son (Who'd just watched the old star wars series) ask my grandfather (British WW2 vet) what side he fought on in "The war" and my grandfather responded with "The Empire"
My kid cried for days because he thought his great grandfather fought for the galactic empire.

When my daughter was a almost two, she learned the word "juice," and it became her favorite word. She didn't always nail the pronunciation, but she was damn proud of herself every time she said it.
One Sunday, after church, I was holding her on my hip having a conversation with the pastor (whom everyone in my family and half the church didn't like at all). So my kid, wide-eyed and excited to show off her new word, pointed at the pastor and said "juice!" Only, it came out "douche!
I swear, I nearly died trying not to laugh out loud right there. That's the day my 20 month old became my hero.

2019-03-24 03:57:22

hahahahhahahahahahhahahhahaahahahahha!
Shame nothing all that funny happens to me.

----------
“Yes, sir. I am attempting to fill a silent moment with non-relevant conversation.”
“You don’t tell me how to behave; you’re not my mother!”
“Could you please continue the petty bickering? I find it most intriguing.” – Data (Star Trek: The Next Generation)

2019-03-24 15:27:51

hAhahah
oh dam. I love this

2019-03-25 01:04:14

well I can think of a lot but here's 2:

funny thing I said off the cuff; I was out with a friend for a few drinks in a pub I regularly go to. he had never been there before so I had to show him where the toilets were. I waited outside with both of our doggies. a guy wondered up and asked why I had 2 guide dogs and without thinking I looked at him like he was stupid and said, because I'm blind in both eyes. he sort of paused, thought about it, said oh yeah didn't think of that, paused again then asked if I was winding him up. when I said yes he called me a very rude word I shall not repeat here.

funny and embarrassing thing that happened to me;
I woke up one morning in my girlfriend's house to a kiss on the cheek. I went for the full on snog all excited that my luck was in so early in the morning. reached round and squeezed her ass then thought, hang on, this doesn't seem rite. turned out it was my gf's aunty who'd let herself in and decided to wake us up. she didn't stop me snogging her though. very creepy. she made us chocolate chip cookies by way of an apology and brought them round later. the cookies were almost worth the embarrassment.

Who's that trip trapping over My bridge? Come find out.

2019-03-25 09:14:38

@7 ooooooooooooooooooh the last part of that post, seems... so embarrissing.
shame, i could not emagine how i should have felt.

best regards
never give up on what ever you are doing.

2019-03-27 15:35:23

I was a ffreshman, first day, actually. I had already had weeks of o and m training around the campus, so I already knew how to get around for the most part. This was my aid's first day on the job and he was very, very very new at this. A lot of it wasn't his fault but still we had a good laugh about it afterward.
We were headed down to the cafeteria for lunch. Everything was going well, even got up the stairs to the building just fine. I hadn't a perfect track record of climbing stairs without tripping over my own feet back then. Hahaha.
He and a friend of mine went ahead and opened, not one, but both double doors. I still don't know how I did it, but I managed to run right into the divider between the two, at a fairly quick walking speed too. When I hit it it rang throughout the courtyard for at least a good 10 seconds, enough for everyone around to look up and go, damn, that was loud!
Roflrofl.
Or there was the one time, I used to carry around this big ass backpack with wheels, made transporting my books easier. And so our campus had an elevator since it had I believe 3 floors.
Me and my aid got in the elevator though he went before me. Some how and I'm still trying to this very day to figure out how I did this! One of the wheels on my bag hit the, alarm button on the elevator panel. Thankfully it just went ring ding ding a few times, it wasn't tied to a phoneline like they are these days. But the thing is if anyone knows the old classic dover alarm bells they are loud! I should go back there one of these days and get some ambiences and things from there, see if the elevator is still the same or if it's been modernized over the years.

2019-03-27 19:23:28

Funniest thing I've been involved in?
I was  at a rehabilitation center in Austin, and as I tended to do on weekends, I would order pizza or hot wings for myself and my roommate. As I'm looking at the menu online, he tells me, "order me the hottest wings they have." So I note down the prices and what not as usual, and I call the restaurant and order the food. The wings get here, they're nice and fresh, and my roommate attempts to eat one of these wings, and he begins sweating and whatnot because as I said, they were the hottest wings they had. Let's just say he couldn't even finish one wing. So what does he do? He walks into the sitting room and starts offering the wings to random passers by, and it was just so damned funny to watch the reactions of these people, who clearly couldn't handle this amount of heat. There was one guy who could handle them, though, who was one of the residential staff. He was eating them with no problem, one after the other, and he wasn't even reacting to the heat. And to this day we still joke about it.

#FreeTheCheese
"The most deadly poison of our times is indifference. And this happens, although the praise of God should know no limits. Let us strive, therefore, to praise Him to the greatest extent of our powers." - St. Maximilian Kolbe

2019-05-02 15:42:16

I'm reminded of a story I probably regret if I don't share.
So my family like messing around and we come up with crazy jokes from time to time. My mom in particular likes jokingly bragging about her beauty and stuff for fun.
That day, she was on with her usual bragging and said even her pussy smelled so good my dad fell in love with her.
I was like alright you say that, I have one thing to counter your theory there.

She said oh you know you were born out of my beautiful pussy, and if you're beautiful then it's because you're created by a person of beauty that's of course me.

Then I said alright, so big sis was born green and I was born yellow. We were both born prematurely because of that stupid miscarriage you had. We were suffocated, nearly suffered anoxic brain injury when we were out of your womb. What do you think is the cause of why we had to suffocate so much? Isn't that because we had to hold our breath coming all the way out? How can your pussy smell so nice if we had to hold our breath like that?

Of course she feebly tried to prove me wrong, but dad was too caught up in the joke that he ended up defending me instead. And of course, it can be concluded by both me and dad that mom had terrible pussy me and big sis literally held our breath all the way out.

Why do ghost hunters have to hunt ghosts? Well, there's a fear of being ghosted out there. They may need therapy as well as their ghost hunting kit.

2019-05-02 16:44:04 (edited by redfox 2019-05-02 16:44:49)

@11, looooooooooool.
That's, a vary good way to win an argument?
Still, I wonder why your mother was talking about how good her pussy was?

----------
“Yes, sir. I am attempting to fill a silent moment with non-relevant conversation.”
“You don’t tell me how to behave; you’re not my mother!”
“Could you please continue the petty bickering? I find it most intriguing.” – Data (Star Trek: The Next Generation)

2019-05-02 17:00:14

It was a joke. We tend to come up with crazy stuff like that to play around. We're a funny bunch, especially me and dad.

Why do ghost hunters have to hunt ghosts? Well, there's a fear of being ghosted out there. They may need therapy as well as their ghost hunting kit.

2019-05-02 17:01:07

Lol, I wish I could make jokes like that with my family.
I would get grounded into last century.

----------
“Yes, sir. I am attempting to fill a silent moment with non-relevant conversation.”
“You don’t tell me how to behave; you’re not my mother!”
“Could you please continue the petty bickering? I find it most intriguing.” – Data (Star Trek: The Next Generation)

2019-05-02 17:13:04 (edited by Sam_Tupy 2019-05-02 17:14:15)

My family was at a fair a few years ago, and we went to examine some animals on display. I don't remember what animal was being looked at, but it was large. I'm pretty board so I'm just leaning against the glass, when I hear my 2 youngest siblings only about 4 or so at the time start telling mom, look at him! He has such a big penis oh my gosh it's so big mom look at his penis! I'm pretty sure many people in that small reverby room heard it as it was in quite a loud voice that they were expressing their pleasure in.

I am a web designer, and a game developer. If you wish see me at http://www.samtupy.com