For last 5 6 years I have been struggling with depression.
As much as I wish it was just attention seeking, I feel like it took away at least a half of me.
At first, I didn't even know what's happening to me.
I became moody almost all the time, my friends from school distaced themselves from me and I found myself arguing with them more often than not, one of the reasons being over thinking and going as far as getting the idea that they are going to betray me in some way, that they hate me, tat something has changed, but I dont know what.
How coult it be that over night people started ignoring me, avoiding me or being assholes to me?
Then, slowly I realised this feeling I had, which at the time I couldn't put a finger on started impacting other areas of life.
Now even the people who treated me good, who clearly had positive intentions and wanted the best of me I have dismissed and acted in a very cold manner towards.
I never knew why, after I shouted, used a harsh tone or said something really nasty for my mum for example, I would feel so bad.
I would feel like it wasn't me, I would never do that and yet I did! Why?
I started feeling very insecure about every aspect of my life, I would spend hours on the internet talking to other broken people, listening to mentally damaging and very nihilistic rap about murdering people, drugs, you know the typical bullshit.
I would take solace in that type of music and think that something was wrong with the world, not me.
At school, and in many places, talking to many people I talked about suicide more or less explicitly, but people either didn't take me serious, or didn't care, or instead of just listening to me, wanted to involve third parties and do things I suppose I wasn't ready for maybe my mind didn't let me try help.
I had therapy, but I felt like just talking helped short term.
Trying to find methods of thinking about things in a different light I couldn't implement, maybe I didn't and don't have the self-discipline or strong enough will to do that, and I can admit to it, one thing I can say about myself is that I am very aware of myself and for most of the time I still think logically.
It was worse before, especially in a time like lock down I would spend all day all night on my laptop, wasting time, watching porn and I would overeat, I put on many kilograms which now are under control, fortunately.
I got into very messed up subcultures like emo, I listened to very sad and depressing music on the contrary.
I felt so helpless, and although deep inside I just wanted to be happy from the outside and quite consciously I thought about self destruction.
I would drink a lot, have a terrible sleeping routine, I hated my life.
Now for the context it is true that there are many things which hurt me in the past, I am also very scared of the future in various aspects such as mobility, being able to support my family, being fully independent and such.
But on the other hand, I am in a stable relationship for almost 4 years, I live with mum and 2 brothers.
I go to college and am studying subjects I love and I feel passionate about.
I go to the gym, I have friends, some of those friendships exist since a child and they're still good.
And yet, I feel so empty.
I feel like my innocence was taken.
I feel like no matter how much I try to cover up my worries, my pain and hatred towards myself and the world around me, even if I do it in a positive productive way when I have the energy to do so, I am just going to lie to myself.
I take some suplements like 5HTP, I also take CBD, but that's like covering a deep, bleeding wound with a fabric rag and expecting the wound to quickly heal without a scar, as it never existed.
Maybe that's a dumb comparison, but my thoughts are all over the place right now.
I should be grateful for what I have, despite of all odds I have a lot to thank for.
Still, all I have left is nostalgia.
The only happiness I can think of is the time when I was a kid, when I thought that all people are honest, caring people, when I never even heard about racism, rape, human trafficking, prostitution, pornography and many worse things.
Now here's not the place to discuss the morality or arguments for and against such things, so please refrain yourself from doing that and hear me out, because that's not the end of my ranting.
One thing that left a huge hole in my heart is the fact that my dad doesn't wanna contact me anymore.
I didn't see him since 2016, can you believe that.
He doesn't even wanna ring me, when I flew to Poland in July he was in the same house as me later, but in the morning.
My grandma told him that I will be coming, and guess what, he went to visit his friend in a different city instead.
Sometimes I feel like I hate him, sometimes I wanna forgive him even, but most of the time I feel such sadness, such emptiness.
He was my role model, I always listened to what he has to say and everyone's telling me we are so alike, the second Jack, they would call me.
He told me things like:
"I woud never marry, that's not for me."
He met a woman in 2015 or so, and she totally manipulated him.
I don't know what she did, but he did marry her, he moved back to Poland from England so we are a distance away again, but that's nothing new.
Now, the thing that killed me, about which I've found out recently.
He has another child with that woman.
He doesn't wanna take care of me, even call me, even meet with me for a few hours, nothing.
And yet he like nothing happened, has another baby on the way.
I am dead, ladies and gents.
I treat my loved ones with harshness, I run away from my friends because i feel anxious and I am scared to get close to them as I think they will also betray me even I know it's not true, and I can't see a way of getting out of this shit.
You know, there are many more things I' want to say, but every time I try to describe this feeling, this darkness in my heart and mind, I just can't do it properly, that's why what I write looks like bunch of shit, or missing information.
It's deeper, it hurts more than the words I can think of now to describe it and I don't know how to deal with it.
I know and I am sorry, but let me say one more thing.
We might have different opinions in politics, and on many other subjects, but please know that I really try to be a good person, and I never wish anyone anything evil, as long as we have mutual respect for each other.
I know others have it worse, but I can't power on, I don't know how to overcome the struggle.
Who cares if i pass assessments, get good grades.
Who cares if people say I am intelligent, I am this and that.
In the end, I am just making a good face for a bad game, I don't know what's the equivalent of this saying in English, but maybe you know what I mean.
am not confident, I am not happy, and I feel guilty, sad, and empty.