26

@ironcross, honestly I don't think us men (and women on the other side of the coin) are meant to fully understand relationships. I don't generally try to master the knowledge about them; I learn as I go. It might be a bad thing... I honestly don't know. smile

"On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: 'Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question."    — Charles Babbage.

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27

Ethin your use of "understand" here is interesting.
One fallacy I've seen in a lot of formalised dating culture is the idea that it comes down to some sort of game theory. That essentially, even if its not basically all about who can get who into bed or get what out of who, its still essentially a process with some sort of rules or knowledge that can be learned in a formal sense and then applied.

But actually, whether its getting to know someone as a friend, working  out living arrangements, spending time together or even coming to what works in the bedroom, your essentially dealing with a conversation or a duette.

You wouldn't try to make friends with someone by trying to "understand" how friendship works. Its something you learn through experience of being with other people, having friends, getting on with your friends, and also something which changes slightly according to the people involved, since what might be okay to  or do with one friend might not be the same dynamic with another.

This is true in relationship terms too, heck it changes between different couples slightly, although the most successful couples I've seen have tended to be the ones who are friends first.

With our dreaming and singing, Ceaseless and sorrowless we! The glory about us clinging Of the glorious futures we see,
Our souls with high music ringing; O men! It must ever be
That we dwell in our dreaming and singing, A little apart from ye. (Arthur O'Shaughnessy 1873.)

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28

I've noticed that the most successful relationships tend to be where the couple in question fights the right amount. Too little, and things bottle up, resentments build, and you have these big drag outs that leave uncertainty and hurtfullness in their wake., too much, and its a bicker bicker bicker nag nag nag thing, where both sides do nothing but pick at each other. There are of course exceptions to this.

The bipeds think this place belongs to them, how cute.

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29

is the phone app pretty accessible too?

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30

I've never been much of a fan of the traditional model of dating, either, especially not this new trend which says that the more people you've slept with, the more enlightened you are. It's not that I have a problem with one night stands, or sex outside of a committed relationship, although those things wouldn't work for me personally. It's the fact that, if you don't tend to trust easily like me, you're seen as undesirable because you won't put out on the first date. I'm speaking from the female perspective here, obviously, but I've gotten burned before by rushing into things too fast. It's not even the physical acts themselves that I have a problem with. It's that I need to be emotionally invested in the person, and reasonably sure that they're trustworthy, before I can become comfortable being intimate with them. I find that people think this is outdated bullshit, and it's one reason why I wouldn't want to use a dating site, because swiping right to hook up really isn't my style.

I also agree that there are a whole lot of rules surrounding dating that don't make a lot of sense. When I was a teenager, it seemed that everybody trumpeted the line about being friends with someone first. This was, no doubt, because of the strong influence of abstinence only education. So, that's how all my relationships at that time started. Now it's become a pattern for me, but people think I'm too conservative, immature, or both for holding onto it. It's comforting to know that other cultures view this differently, something I have personal experience with, but short of moving out of the country, which, due to my personal circumstances I also considered many times over the past few years, I doubt I'll find someone who feels as I do about this. Of course, it also has to do with the fact that I'm still carrying a torch for my ex, but even if I weren't, I still wouldn't be comfortable with a lot of this stuff. Take speed dating, for example. What is the appeal in that? It sounds extremely stressful to me, especially as a blind person, as well as an introvert.

The glass is neither half empty nor half full. It's just holding half the amount it can potentially hold.

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31

The problem Ironcross is that there are different levels of fighting.

I know a  some couples who have relationships based entirely around sparring with each other, this can range from playful,  to pointed, to down right  nasty. No, resentments don't buidl up, but equally you get cases where patterns of just running into unpleasantness become ingrained and even comparatively normal disagreements get extreme, I once heard a police officer say he was called to a domestic disturbance  in which a woman had clobbered ;her husband on the head with a baking tray during an arguement about whether Michael Jackson was or was not the king of pop big_smile.

Then you have the other side as you mention, where people tacitly ;accept faults and not disagree, indeed this  can often lead to some pretty nasty domestic abuse situation where one partner is constantly accepting things from the other where they shouldnt' necessarily, and resentment builds, that of course when one partner isn't taking advantage in a rally unhealthy way.

You then however have the third kind, which my lady and I have where disagreements tend to get talked over and where any sparring we do tends to be more like verbal byplay than any sort of personal comments, actually it was quite funny that when we performed "I can do anything" on stage one teacher said we had to give it a little more punch for it to actually work.

Yes, we have days where everything goes wrong and we feel depressed or we end up shouting at computers, but  since neither of us likes to argue we tend to resolve these sorts of things without getting personal since  we're one of these cases where we could both do each other some serious emotional damage as we pretty much adore each other, heck we're even careful about sparring.

oh and yes, I will admit that we have probably one of those marriages which makes all the cliches come true, for all that we obviously both have our collected baggage.

With our dreaming and singing, Ceaseless and sorrowless we! The glory about us clinging Of the glorious futures we see,
Our souls with high music ringing; O men! It must ever be
That we dwell in our dreaming and singing, A little apart from ye. (Arthur O'Shaughnessy 1873.)

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32

I would be kinda put off if a girl wanted sex at the first date.

Oh yeah like a sort of harmless back and forth thing is one thing, but something that's leaving resentment and baggage behind is another, that type of thing, if it happens too much, really sours a relationship.

The bipeds think this place belongs to them, how cute.

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33

@29: for the most part.

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34

Well I'm probably not good to give advice on the sex and dating angle given that I was genophobic for years, however as I said most couples I know who have successful marriages, at least over here were definitely friends first.

the sister of a good friend of mine apparently approaches relationships differently, she meets someone at a night  club, picks them up, goes and sleeps with them and then! decides whether she actually likes them as a person or not.

To me this seems rather backwards and when I commented as much to my friend, she pointed out that was probably why her sister is still single and she's married, despite the fact that my friend has chronic bypolar depression, serious arthritis uses a wheel chair and is probably 20 stone (she'll say so herself), where as apparently her sister has everything looks wise, and yet its my friend who is the one who's married where her sister isn't.

I'll also delicately point out that if you are! sleeping with someone, well you probably will have a far better experience if you know what each other likes, can read each other's moods and can have fun together rather than just being focused on getting your respective rocks off.

If you read alex Comfort's the joy of sex he makes this extremely and abundantly clear.

With our dreaming and singing, Ceaseless and sorrowless we! The glory about us clinging Of the glorious futures we see,
Our souls with high music ringing; O men! It must ever be
That we dwell in our dreaming and singing, A little apart from ye. (Arthur O'Shaughnessy 1873.)

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35

well i don't find the profile part very accessible. using NVDA. looks like when i hit a button for say show i've binged and fill it out it shows up someplace else.

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36

How do you guys deal with their captchas? I tried to get an audio challenge, but it sucks. Any help?

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I'm on OKCupid. Been on there for quite a while and only got one message.
And the girl wrote like this totally run on sentences no punctuation whatsoever and messages were seriously short.

So yeah, that turned me off. I'm a paid member, at least until October, but I don't know how to see who I've messaged, if any of them were read. I wonder if a good portion of them are just inactive profiles, either because they're seeing someone now and have no reason to be on the site, thus no longer logging in, or my profile questions may be sending red flags perhaps. I wish I could either wipe my profile clean and start over, questions wise, or go back and change them. One particular question I remember getting as one of my first questions ever doesn't seem to be on my profile anymore, and I'd like to at least review the choice I've made with that.

Orin

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38

@Orin, you can set a filter to show you profiles that have been active within a specified time frame only. It's been a while since I've used OKCupid so I don't remember how to do it, but this is how I was finding responsive members when I used to use it.

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39 (edited by matt1211 2018-06-17 01:18:59)

I've never been comfortable in social situations, which is most likely why I am also not in a relationship. Like others here I tend to prefer trying to make friends first then attempt to date. This has, unfortunately, lead to girls saying they'd prefer to be friends. I now have a few very close female friends, but nothing more. I figure, practice makes perfect? Or, at the very least, practice makes better.
I've thought of trying an online dating site, but after looking at a few haven't found an accessible one. I may give this a try, because accessible is good.
Sorry that was a bit of a rant, that really didn't help the topic at all.

Praise be to cthulhu, the one who will emerge from the depths and devour all that lives.

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40

I recently tried the OKCupid site and I found it to be the most accessible yet.

It has been a great experience so far.

I stand for truth, justice and fareness, so... "Die bitches!"

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