I've recently been reading through leigh Butler's wheel of time recaps which can be found Here on the tor website. I wanted to remind myself of the game of thrones plot before reading the series so read what she had to say on the books, and then because I found her comments and opinions generally interesting (although I totally disagree with some of her more extreme feminist ones), I thought I'd check out what she had to say about wheel of time. by process of association this reminded me of Wot in general, and of one of the funniest things I've seen, the wheel of time abridged, originally posted on a random atari forum by someone calling herself A wheel girl in I believe 2005 or so (although I only was pointed in it's direction in around 2010).
The Abridgement only runs up to part way through crossroads of twilight, and was sadly unfinished, but is one of the funniest things I've read about Wot, particularly sinse it strikes that fantastic balance between insiteful and insane!
Sadly the site it was on went bye bye, but luckily I had a link so was able to retrieve it from Mr. Wayback machine, and after a quick cut and paste and removing all the extraneous material (forum sigs etc).
I can now present to you A wheel girl's Wheel of Time abridged!
Hope Wot fans enjoy!
00 new spring
Aiel: There he is! From half a mile away! Aan'allein! Well, that about wraps it up for us;
let's go home.
Bukama: Arg.
-----------
Gitara: He is born again! I feel him! The Dragon takes his first breath on the slope of
Dragonmount! [Dies.]
Moiraine: Too bad she didn't specify when and where the Dragon was reborn.
Siuan: Yes, it's quite a puzzle.
Moiraine: Yes, if only there were some specificity to her comments.
Tamra: To be safe, fill this journal with the name of every boy born in the last ten
years from here to the ocean.
----------
Lan: Slowly drifting north.
Bukama: Hm.
----------
Elaida: Good luck on your test. DON'T MESS UP!!! DON'T GET NERVOUS!!!!
Moiraine: I made it.
Elaida: Sh*t.
---------
Moiraine: Dresses, dresses, dresses. Oh, so pretty and frilly. One for balls, and one for
summer nights...
Siuan: Cut two leg holes in that sack over there. Fine.
---------
Moiraine: Cadsuane!
Cadsuane: Shut up. What are you doing here?
Moiraine: I hear that Borderlanders make great Warders...
Cadsuane: Shut up. Try any more of your newly-acquired Aes Sedai crap on me, and
I'll spank you like a baby. Get me some tea.
Moiraine: You treat me like a child. I must run away.
----------
Lan: A woman follows us.
Bukama: Buh.
----------
Lan: You! What do you want here!
Moiraine: How dare you! I am a mature Aes Sedai! Now prepare for wasps and nettles.
Bukama: Er.
Lan: Stop laughing, Bukama.
Bukama: Er, er, er.
---------
Edeyn: I wear the special lock of hair. So we must have sex now...
Lan: Well, if you have the lock of hair, I suppose we must...
Bukama: Er.
Lan: Bukama, get out!
Bukama: Ur.
Lan: Aw, Bukama, don't cry.
Bukama: Ur, ur, ur.
---------
Merean: Moiraine. What are you doing here?
Moiraine: Merean. What are you doing here?
Merean: .....I have to go. Go Light.
---------
Moiraine: Siuan, what are you doing here?
Siuan: Waiting for you to fight the Black Ajah.
---------
Lan: With my friend Bukama dead, who will I have such fascinating conversations with?
Nynaeve: Er.
---------
Ryne: I am a better fighter.
Lan: I know. Yet somehow I beat you.
---------
Merean: I am better with the Power.
Moiraine: I know. Yet somehow I beat you.
---------
Moiraine: Merean was Black Ajah. I must destroy evidence of her existence to protect
the White Tower. So the Black Ajah can go about their business, and the other Aes
Sedai can pretend they don't exist.
Lan: You are smart. I will be your Warder.
----------
Moiraine: I will learn from Merean. A highly defensive Aes Sedai poking around in a
castle where the Dragon Reborn may be. I'll have to remember that for the future.
Hello, Liandrin. What are you doing here?
Liandrin: What are YOU doing here? I have to go. Go Light.
__________________
01 The Eye of the World
Rand: I'm a young lad from a quaint little village.
Tam: Yes, you are.
Emond's Fielders: Rumors of strange things afoot. Wolves howling. Winds blowing.
Trouble a-brewin.' Train comin.'
Egwene: Rand al'Thor! What do you think you're doing?
Rand: Aw, shucks, hi, Egwene.
Moiraine: I am mysterious. You will know all you need to know. The Wheel weaves as
the Wheel wills.
Thom: I'm an old juggler with a big white mustache.
Trollocs: Oook! Aaak! Errrrr!
Moiraine: Come with me, you three.
Lan: Don't even know how to fight Shadowspawn. Dumb sheepherders.
Rand, Mat, and Perrin: We'll come with you.
Egwene: Me too! Weeee!
Rand: It might be dangerous.
Egwene: Rand al'Thor! You can't tell me what to do!
Rand: Maybe you could tell me what this is all about.
Moiraine: You will know what you need to know. The Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills.
Rand: Thanks.
Egwene: This is scary! Rand al'Thor! You got me into this!
Rand: Gee whiz, Egwene.
Moiraine: Dreams can be dangerous. Have you all had any scary dreams?
Mat: I don't know if we can trust Aes Sedai. Let's keep it a secret.
Rand and Perrin: Good idea.
Nynaeve: You are dragging them into some Aes Sedai plot!
Moiraine: Maybe I should have left them to die in Emond's Field.
Nynaeve: We would have been happy that way!
Moiraine: DO NOT go out into Shadar Logoth, or touch anything!
Mat: Let's go out into Shadar Logoth and touch things!
Rand and Perrin: Good idea.
Moiraine: That was dangerous.
Lan: Don't even know how to fight Mordeth. Dumb farmboys.
Egwene: Rand al' Thor! You are a woolhead!
Rand: Holy moley, Egwene.
Mat: I'm sweaty and pale and grabbing my dagger.
Rand: Sounds good.
Thom: I once had nephew Owyn, who died because of Aes Sedai. Now I must go fight
a Myrddraal. See you in Book 2.
Mat: I'm still sweaty and pale and grabbing my dagger.
Rand: That's fine. I'll play my flute for our supper.
Lan: Nice tracking.
Nynaeve: I'm secretly blushing.
Perrin: I'm talking to Wolves.
Egwene: I'm dancing with beautiful Aram.
Lan: We must rescue Perrin and Egwene from the Whitecloaks. You must hold my
hand. To help the rescue.
Nynaeve: Yes, I must hold your hand. To help the rescue. I hope there aren't spots of
color blossoming on my cheeks.
Master Bunt: Legend has it that Tigraine disappeared after the old queen died. Soon
after that Luc disappeared into the Blight, and Taringail died, leaving young Morgase
on the throne.
Rand: Couldn't you just leave it all in a big family tree inside the cover?
Master Gill: Legend has it Old Thom was closer to the queen that was proper. Then he
disappeared and when he later returned, Queen Morgase was mad, so he fled the city,
a step ahead of the headsman's axe.
Rand: Couldn't you just leave it in a big exposition section inside the cover?
Mat: I'm even sweatier and paler, and more crazy.
Rand: Good work. Well, I have to go meet the royal family.
Elayne: I've got long golden tresses.
Rand: Jinkies, Elayne.
Morgase: This boy is dangerous.
Lord Bryne: Yes, he is.
Elaida: Yes, he is.
Morgase: Good. Let him go.
Gawyn: You look like an Aielman...oh, that's crazy talk. Never mind.
Rand: Okay.
Everyone: Yayyyy! We're all together!
Egwene: You're telling us you talked with the Daughter-Heir! Rand al'Thor! I am making
presumptions about you, and therefore must yell at you. Just wait until Elayne,
Nynaeve and I do this for the entire series.
Rand: Gosh, Egwene...
Perrin: We heard a second-hand story about a dying man who said the Dark One
means to blind the Eye of the World.
Loial: I heard the same story, from an different second-hand source.
Moiraine: Therefore, we must go to the Eye of the World!
Agelmar: Legend has it that Lan is the last of the Malkieri. You see, two score years
ago...
Rand: Couldn't you just add this to the big family tree section in the front cover?
Agelmar: Use a Post-It.
Nynaeve: I have held your hand. I have brought you tea. I cannot shame myself any
further!
Lan: I am not emotional. My emotions are cold like a winter blizzard. Loving me is like
loving a frozen ice sculpture. That is why I have fallen head over heels in love with
you, and you with me. Now excuse me while I martyr myself.
Rand: Aginor, being the least significant Forsaken until you are reborn, you are now
dead.
Aginor: See you in book 6. I mean, "Noooo."
Rand: You too, Balthamel.
Balthamel: Mmmmph.
Mat: We found some things. Bloody ashes.
Egwene: Matrim Cauthon! You better...
Lan: Here's a gag.
Readers: Yay!
Moiraine: See you in Book 2.
__________________
02 The Great Hunt
Rand: I really should be going.
Lan: Yes, you should. Another lesson?
Rand: Sure.
Lan: This move is called "Ending the Book." Use it in a climactic battle at the end of
the book against a bad guy.
-----------------
Liandrin: Soon we will capture al'Thor's friends on Toman Head, and then he will be
ours! Then the Great Lord will rule the known world!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Moiraine: Did you say something?
Liandrin: No. Go Light.
-----------------
Rand: Why haven't you helped me, or talked to me at all?
Moiraine: The best way to help you is to coldly ignore you.
Rand: That frustrates me.
Moiraine: That's because you are stubborn. By the way, you were adopted and are the
Dragon Reborn. The entire fate of the world rests on your shoulders. Now go save the
world.
Rand: Could you help me? Or at least give me a family tree?
Moiraine: Can a bird teach a fish to fly?
Rand: Are you the fish?
Verin: Remarkable.
-------------------
Liandrin: Tell me what you know!! Or by the Great Lord, whom I love, I swear I will rip
you limb from limb!!
Moiraine: What are you doing?
Liandrin: Nothing. Go Light.
------------------
Verin: 'Daughter of the Night, she walks again.' Lanfear, who was in love with Lews
Therin, must be free. She may well come after him again.
Moiraine: Yes, she must. No point in telling Rand. Now, what other ways are there to
tell Rand we can't help him?
Siuan: You can't get water from a stone?
Moiraine: That's a good one! Or is it blood from a stone?
Siuan: You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink?
------------------
Lan: I love you. You take ring. I give you.
Nynaeve: Me like ring.
-------------------
Egwene: Rand al'Thor! Don't you just have a grand opinion of yourself! Just because
everyone's trying to kill or use you, you think everyone's trying to kill or use you. Also,
you are woolheaded and being a mule. And a mule-head.
Rand: Egwene, I will miss your neverending yammering.
-----------------
Fain: The dagger is mine! My precious! Er, I mean, it's mine.
------------------
Hurin: Smells bad along this trail of blood that you could follow just by looking at it.
Rand: You have a useful gift for sniffing violence. Too bad we'll never see you again, or
think to use you further.
------------------
Ingtar: We must find the Horn. For I must use the Horn to erase the promise I made to
the Dark One.
Rand: Did you say something?
Ingtar: No. Go Light.
-----------------
Hurin: You must help us get back to the real world, Lord Rand.
Rand: Stop calling me that. I command you.
-----------------
Ba'alzamon: Join me or I will continue to taunt you until you kill me.
-----------------
Lanfear: I'm just your average flawlessly beautiful woman trapped in an alternate
world. This is my disquise, which is not quite as flawlessly beautiful as I actually am.
Rand: Sounds good to me. Join us.
Lanfear: I like powerful men. My favorite is the Great Lord of the Dark.
Rand: Did you say something?
Lanfear: No. Go Light.
-----------------
Verin: Fascinating.
-----------------
Siuan: We must break through your block.
Nynaeve: &#@&%!
Siuan: Now we're getting somewhere. I've gutted me a tough fish. I've netted a
silverpike.
Nynaeve: What are you talking about?
Siuan: I have no idea.
----------------
Rand: I don't what to play your Great Game!
Cairheinin: Oooo, he's good!
----------------
Egwene: Elayne, so you did meet Rand, but I will never apologize to him for accusing
him of lying that he met you.
Elayne: I am short with red-gold tresses. I know Rand, and love giving lectures.
Egwene: I am short with dark brown tresses. I know Rand, and love giving lectures.
We are now sisters.
---------------
Liandrin: You will come with me. Now get into this sack.
Elayne, Egwene, Nynaeve: We will come with you. And get into the sack.
Min: A voluntary self-sack-putting-into?! No one's leaving ME out!
---------------
Verin: It says "Five Will Ride Forth."
Rand: What does?
Verin: Oh, who the hell knows? Some prophecy somewhere.
Rand: Oh, okay. Uh, Hurin. Come along.
---------------
High Lord Turak: Watch out, because I have long fancy fingernails and partially shaven
head.
Rand: I have a Void in my head.
----------------
Ba'alzamon: Ha! Ha! This time it will be different, young al'Thor! NO ONE makes
Ba'alzamon look stupid two times in a row...
Rand: You mean three times in a row?
Ba'alzamon: Yes, I did.
---------------
Moiraine: Luckily, I was here just in time to do nothing.
__________________
03 The Dragon Reborn
Rand: Shouldn't you be helping me figure out what to do?
Moiraine: The Pattern will guide you. You alone must decide what to do.
Rand: What if the Pattern wants me to run off in the middle of the night?
Moiraine: Then I will become furious. Now excuse me, I must speak with a string of
incoherent refugees.
---------------
Rand: I'm feeling more and more pressure.
Perrin: That's odd. Must be because you're going insane. I must now be wary of you.
-----------------
Uno: Legend has it the Grey Men are walking around.
Ragan: The Soulless.
Masema: The Shadowsoulled.
Lan: The Shadow-eyed.
Moiraine: The Shadow-walkers.
Min: The Soul Brothers?
Uno: The Soul Masters.
Min: Oh, the Funky Shadow Dancers.
Moiraine: The Dark Soul Chorus.
Lan: The Dark One's Ensemble of Evil-Souled Dark Nightwalkers.
Min: I wonder if they'll show up later in the story.
Lan: Probably not.
----------------
Moiraine: Rand is going after Callandor.
Masema: The Sword That is Not a Sword.
Uno: The Sword That Cannot Be Touched.
Ragan: The Sword That Launched a Thousand Ships.
Lan: The Sword That Looks Like Crystal, but Isn't, Because It's Really Sharp, and
Pointy, And Can be Used As a Male Sa-angreal to Destroy One's Enemies.
-----------------
Verin: I don't want to hear another word from any of you.
Nynaeve: But I'm tired of yanking my braid.
Verin: Try punching yourself in the stomach.
Nynaeve: Ahhh. Thanks.
----------------
Egwene: Tar Valon! Now we can finally get Mat the help he needs.
Verin: In a minute. I must stare at this wall.
---------------
Moiraine: We are all on a sacred mission to protect the world. To do your part to save
the world, Perrin, you must saddle my horse. Also, Perrin, the mission to save the world
demands that you do my laundry. And fetch me some raspberries.
Perrin: That seems unfair.
Lan: Do, it sheepherder.
Perrin: Rand is "sheepherder." I'm "blacksmith."
Lan: Thanks. Do it, blacksmith.
-----------------
Loial: "To anger an Aes Sedai is to bring a mountain down on your head."
Perrin: I'm only questioning her.
Loial: "To question an Aes Sedai is to fall down the mountain enough to get a few cuts
and bruises."
Perrin: I'm really only asserting myself.
Loial: "To assert oneself before an Aes Sedai is to stare at the mountain until the glare
from the sun causes serious eye damage."
Perrin: I think you're being foolish.
Loial: "To doubt the word of one warning you about Aes Sedai is to actually name your
first child 'Mountain,' and have that child mocked and derided every day, and called
names like 'Big Fat Mountain,' then have that child become a poorly funtioning adult
who works long hours digging mud holes in the fields, and talking to himself."
-----------------
Moiraine: You must tell me things. Perhaps I can help.
Perrin: I talk to wolves.
Moiraine: Good luck with that.
---------------
Egwene: I'm a Dreamer.
Nynaeve: I'm a great Healer.
Elayne: I feel left out.
Egwene: I'm sure we'll find something stupid for you to do, like making ter'angreal.
--------------
Galad: Hey, girls.
Egwene: I hope my skirts are smooth.
Nynaeve: Me too. Smooth skirts are a must in today's world.
--------------
Gawyn: Hey, girls.
Egwene: Where's your brother?
Nynaeve: Yeah, where's your brother?
Gawyn: He's out buying more mirrors. I'll be crying under my bed.
--------------
Elayne: Galad only does what's right, no matter who he hurts.
Egwene: Since he only does right, he only hurts evil people, right?
Elayne: No, he mostly hurts good people. And that's what makes him so perfect.
Egwene: Wow. I wish I could be so perfect.
Elayne: Don't worry, you will be.
---------------
Elayne: I met Rand once. I love him. I will bond him.
Nynaeve: Has he given his permission for you to bond him?
Elayne: Do you want me to raise my chin?
Nynaeve: Fine.
-----------------
Siuan: You three must hunt the Black Ajah. You gut the fish, after you sail the Fingers
of the Dragon. A silverpike in your skirts will bite you before the lionfish in your boat.
The guppy in your hair will make you jump like an eel.
Nynaeve: Are you drunk?
Siuan: Yes.
--------------
Lanfear: I am evil. One day I will claim my old love, Lews Therin, who is now al'Thor,
and together we will rule the world! HA! HA! HAAAA!
Mat: I'm sorry, what?
Lanfear: Go Light.
Mat. Oh. Luckily no one warned me about an evil, beautiful woman who might have
been in a Dark Prophecy in an earlier adventure.
---------------
Mat: Let's fight.
Galad: Not the face!
Gawyn: Yes, the face.
---------------
Lanfear: Girls, I am Else Grinwell, not Lanfear. The Black Ajah is in Tear. It’s a trap. Go
Light.
Elayne: A trap-walking-into! Yay!
Egwene: Do we put ourselves in a sack like last time?
Elayne: I think the sack is waiting for us in Tear.
Egwene: Oh, good.
---------------
Elayne: Mat, you must take this message to my mother.
Mat: Doesn't the royal family or the White Tower have carrier pigeons?
Elayne: Nope. Fresh out.
Mat: Seems silly.
Elayne: See this chin? I'll raise it.
Mat: Fine.
-------------
Nynaeve: We are women by ourselves in the world, and therefore must bicker.
Egwene: Bicker, bicker.
Nynaeve: Braid yank, braid yank.
Elayne: Chin raise, chin raise.
Ship Captain: Need help?
Nynaeve: How dare you! We'll be fine!!
Bandits: Put them into the sacks.
Egwene: Ahh. Trapped again by our own stupidity. Home, sweet home.
---------------
Rahvin: Go kill the Daughter-Heir.
Underling: What if she raises her chin, milord?
Rahvin: She is a skilled chinmaster. Use the heron-marked chin I have given you.
Mat [Eavesdropping]: Good luck to that guy. Er..I should go save her. I guess.
---------------
Perrin: I wish I could use only my hammer, not my axe.
Loial: "Wishing for an hammer is like climbing a mountain, and then slipping..."
Perrin: Oh, shut up.
------------
Lan: Rand is as fast on foot as we are on horseback.
Perrin: Why is that?
Lan: Our horses are actually statues of horses. Giddyup.
---------------
Lan: Giant wolfprints in stone. Darkhounds.
Hopper: Shadow brothers.
Moiraine: Four-footed Darkwalkers.
Hopper: Nightrunners.
Lan: Those Who Cannot Be Named, Other Than To Say They Are Evil Wolves.
Perrin: You made that last one up.
Lan: Yes, I did.
------------------
Perrin: Please stop insulting me.
Faile: Okay, Shaggy-hair.
Perrin: Stop it.
Faile: Stop what, big man?
Perrin: Leave me alone.
Faile: Why, farmboy?
Perrin: I suddenly love you.
Faile: Good. Now wear this collar. I now own you.
----------------
Nynaeve: Tear. Here we are.
Liandrin: Step this way, please.
Nynaeve: Certainly.
-------------
Rand: Tear. Here I am.
Bel'al: Step this way, please.
Rand: No.
Bel'al: Damn, he's on to me.
----------------
Ba'alzamon: Ha! Ha! No one kicks Ba'alzamon's butt THREE times in a row! Maybe the
first time you burned my face, and the second time you stabbed me, but this time it
will be diff...
----------------
Mat: I braved the Forsaken, Black Ajah, Defenders, and High Lords to save you.
Nynaeve: We were happy in our prison, thank you very much.
Egwene: Yeah, now we have to actually do stuff. Thanks a lot.
Mat: Maybe you'll acknowledge my effort in four books or so.
-------------------
Aiel: The Dragon Reborn!
Rand: What did you call me?
Aiel: Nothing. Go Rand.
__________________
04 The Shadow Rising
Pedron Niall: Fain, I've known you five minutes. You shall be my newest closest
advisor. Take a legion of my men.
Fain: Cock-a-doodle-doo! Yip! Yip! Yeehaw!
Pedron Niall: Good plan. First we cock-a-doodle. Then we yip-yip. And finally, we
yeehaw.
Fain: Shama-lama-ding-dong.
Pedron Niall: Interesting theory on the Shama-lama. But where is your proof?
Fain: Wicky-wicky-wicky.
Pedron Niall: Ah. Of course. You've been to Amadicia's great Wicky Wicky library. Both
of its books must have been of great use to you.
Fain: [Drools.]
Pedron Niall: Good idea. Perhaps al'Thor can be lured out with piping hot ham.
Fain: [Eats a cockroach.]
Pedron Niall: Fain, with your brilliant insight on how to ambush an enemy by crawling
like insects, the world will be ours in weeks!
Fain: Are you aware that I’m insane?
Pedron Niall: I haven't been aware of much since I locked myself in this office twenty
years ago.
----------------
The Wheel of Time comes and Ages come and go. In one Age, called the Third Age by
some, and called the Fourth Age by others who are dumb, in the city of Tear a wind
rose.
Through the streets of Tear the wind blew. The wind blew past merchants crying their
wares, past plump innkeepers moping their brows, and past goodwives sweeping their
front steps. The wind took a left on Third Ave, and headed for Mistress Tia's House of
Pies. But as usual the line was too long, so the wind sighed and went to Harlor's Ale
House. An hour later, the wind staggered toward the Stone of Tear.
The wind passed a pleasantly plump seabreeze carrying her tailwind in the air. He
howled enticingly at her, but she blew right past him.
"Typical," muttered the staggering wind, and spun himself around before falling on his
face.
--------------
Faile: How much I beat you is a measure of how much I love you.
Perrin: Thanks for all the love.
--------------
Elayne: I talked to Rand for five minutes a year ago. I love him.
Egwene: You two are obviously soulmates. I will hand him to you. But he will be
crushed because I am so desirable.
---------------
Egwene: Rand, I can't marry you.
Rand: Okay.
Egwene: How dare you act so casual. Most men would cry for days.
Rand: Fine, fine. I'm crying. Don't your hips get sore from planting your fists on them
all the time?
Egwene: I have little hip holsters built into my dresses for my fists.
------------
Elayne: Rand, I want you to kiss me.
Rand: Fine, fine. I'm kissing.
Elayne: Now I own you.
------------
Moiraine: My brilliant theory about The Prophecy of the Dragon is that you need to
wage war against Illian, because 'The People of the Dragon' obviously are the people of
Tear. Also, you need to wear a yellow pointed party hat, because that is my
understanding of the line "He will bring war."
Rand: I have a different interpretation of The Prophecy of the Dragon.
Moiraine: What would you know about The Prophecy of the Dragon? You’re merely the
Dragon Reborn, while I am a busybody.
Rand: You haven’t been helping me out a lot lately. You didn’t give me any advice in
Fal Dara – instead, you ignored me, and after Falme, you said I should simply "wait for
the Pattern."
Moiraine: That's what good advisors do. Give advice once a year. And the advice that
we do give is poorly thought-out and incorrect.
Rand: My instinct tells me I should go my own way again.
Moiriane: That will lead to disaster.
Rand: It was a disaster when I went to Tear, and took Callandor?
Moiraine: Yes. That was a disaster because it made me look like an idiot for not
advising you to do anything, then being angry when you did something.
Rand: Well, these are disastrous times.
--------------
Elayne: Here is a note expressing my love.
Rand: You know that being near me is dangerous.
Elayne: In that case, here is a note expressing my hate. Men are so confusing.
--------------
Lanfear: This is the true me. Lanfear.
Rand: I hardly recognized you, since you revealed yourself as an even-more-beautiful
most- beautiful woman ever.
Lanfear: Yes. Normally, as Selene, I travel around hidden as the most beautiful woman
ever, but not quite as beautiful as I actually am.
Rand: Well, no matter how beautiful your most-beautiful-woman-ever disguise is, rest
assured that I cannot harm women. Even those who are my mortal enemies.
Lanfear: Is that some sort of genetic problem?
Rand: If stupidity is genetic.
------------
Rand: The ter'angreal doorway told me to go to Rhuidian.
Mat: Yes, me too.
Moiraine: It was foolish of you both to enter the doorway at the same time.
Rand: Maybe you should have given us that advice BEFORE we entered the doorway.
Moiraine: I would, but it’s more fun to give advice after it’s too late to change
anything. That way, I can’t be proven wrong. Now prepare to don your yellow party
hat of war, and attack Illian with the Tairens, who use the code name: 'The
People of the Dragon.'
Tairens: We are not the People of the Dragon.
Moiraine: You are what I say you are.
Rhuarc: Actually, we are the People of the Dragon.
Moiraine: What the hell would you know about it?
-------------
Thom: I must help you in Tanchico.
Nynaeve: We never need help.
Elayne: Yes. We never need help getting captured. Three times in two adventures.
Beat that.
Nynaeve: Now pack away our nice dresses. We like to look our best when getting
captured.
--------------
Aviendha: I’ve known Egwene five minutes. She is my best friend. Elayne is her best
friend. You hurt Elayne. I hate you. I also love you. Men are confusing.
Rand: Egwene is your best friend?
Aviendha: Yes.
Rand: And Elayne is her best friend?
Aviendha: Yes.
Rand: So Egwene has you and Elayne BOTH as best friends?
Aviendha: Yes. Among the Aiel, that is what we call "gossip sisters." Two best friends
adopt another as a best friend, and then they all three become best friends. And
gossip.
--------------
Perrin: I must go home.
Faile: You may follow us, like a lost puppy. How much I humiliate you is a measure of
how much I love you.
Perrin: Thanks for all the love.
-------------
Rand: Ah. Rhuidean.
Couladin: Die!
Amys: Couladin, you have broken the peace of Rhuidean. Do not do it again.
Couladin: Die!
Amys: Couladin, you have broken the peace of Rhuidean. Do not do it again.
Couladin: Die!
Rand: Amys, your line doesn’t seem to be working.
Amys: This is Wise Ones’ business.
Rand: Even if he kills me?
Amys: Yes, even if Couladin kills you, it’s still none of your business. Now excuse me, I
must use our time-tested technique: Couladin, you have broken the peace of
Rhuidean. Do not do it again.
--------------
Lan: Ah. Rhuidean.
Heirn: Aan’allein.
Bair: One Man.
Rhuarc: The Man.
Amys: The Only Man.
Melaine: The Man Who is a Country.
Seanna: One Man.
Rhuarc: I already said that.
Seanna: Damn.
Amys: The One Man Who Fell in Love With the Loud Braid-Puller.
Seanna: The One Man Who Went Up a Hill, but Came Down a Mountain.
Rand: That was a good movie.
Seanna: Yes, movies. That’s where we get most of our stupid nicknames for things.
Now, come, chew on some gravel. Or as we call it: "Jabba."
-------------
Nynaeve: Ah, Tanchico. Run along, Thom and Juilin. Don’t get in our way. We run the
operation here.
Thom & Juilin: Yes, ma’am.
Moghedien: Tell me everything you know.
Nynaeve: Yes, ma’am.
------------
Amys: You must never go into Tel’aran’rhiod without one of us as a guide.
Egwene: But I’m so nosey.
Amys: Well, if you do, we won’t check up on you, anyway. Go for it.
------------
Kadere: I am but a simple evil peddler.
Rand: Then join us, by all means.
-------------
Mat: I know the Old Tongue.
Rand: That’s weird. I laugh for no reason.
-------------
Aviendha: Our customs say that if you disobey the law, you must be punished.
Rand: Punished? You Aiel have crazy customs.
Aviendha: It couldn’t be simpler, wetlander. You see, a blacksmith may pick up a rock,
but only if a roofmistress has not picked it up first. If she has picked up the rock first,
then the blacksmith must run five laps around her while tapping his head. If the
blacksmith’s first second-sister is younger than the roofmistress, then she may touch
the rock, but not pick it up. And that’s how we decide who will throw the marriage
boulder on the new husband’s face. The marriage boulder is called a "Greedo."
Bair: [cackling] I remember seeing my first husband’s face crushed by the Greedo. Oh,
we laughed for days. He thought it was hilarious. Want some gravel, I mean, Jabba?
Aviendha: Sure, thanks.
-------------
Perrin: Die, Trollocs.
Verin: Interesting.
-------------
Carridin: I hate Aes Sedai because they destroyed the world. Now I must help the
Great Lord destroy the world.
--------------
Rand: I am the Car’a’carn.
Couladin: Die!
Rand: Is anyone going to do anything about him?
Rhuarc: You mean aside from calling the Shaido "honorless dogs?"
Rand: Yes.
Rhuarc: No. He pretty much does what he wants.
Rand: Then I must suddenly go back to Rhuidean to fight for a sa’angreal-controlling
ter-angreal that I walked right past in Rhuidean.
--------------
Nynaeve: I have captured one of the thirteen most evil people on the planet. I really
should kill you.
Moghedien: Yes, you should. But maybe you should talk to me for a while. You could
make my eyes bulge with some threats. Or you could watch my mouth try to work.
Nynaeve: You’re right. I never really take the time to get to know my enemies.
---------------
Rand: While I was off fighting a Forsaken, I suppose no one bothered to do anything
about Couladin.
Bael: I gave him a dirty look.
Erim: You should have seen it. It was truly a mean, vicious look.
Rand: Well, as long as it was really mean.
__________________
Our souls with high music ringing; O men! It must ever be
That we dwell in our dreaming and singing, A little apart from ye. (Arthur O'Shaughnessy 1873.)