I've come to think of visual impairment as, say, the powerball on the life lottery. If you're the sort who would tend to work hard and win at life, blindness will only make you work--and win--harder. If you're on the other end of the curve, so too can the negative be amplified. This amplification applies to problems and gains from external circumstances as well, especially other people.
But that's just a working hypothesis, and a recent one at that. I'm sure I'll be proven wrong soon enough. I always am. (This does not say much good about my critical thinking skills, but that's not what we're talking about!)

There's a lot to digest in your post, but, you know, one of the last things I read before coming here involved lots of parables about how, if we can accommodate trans people, then let's accommodate them instead of being mean about it because it's hard to understand those sorts of experiences. Emperor Norton and Body Integrity Identity Disorder came up. (The latter seemed more general when I first heard about it, but nowadays people only use it to refer to people who have a deep seeded need to become amputees, so I can't suggest that it applies to you and me anymore, which is kinda frustrating.)

I can at least be glad that you have found support! As you say, most people seem incapable of going further than "oh, that's sad", at best, when they encounter something so far from their experience. It's good to know that people around here can do better than that, sometimes.

[edit: technically, what you described is indeed BIID. But the amputee version is so salient that it'll be the first to come to mind when someone brings it up.]

Hail all. Rachel, it goes for you, Aprone and other sighted folks who are on a quest to understand the visually impaired and/or blind comunity. What I'm about to say can be true both for personal and for a developer's perspective. But like Rachel, I may use the words that truely describe what I think or feel about it, so, if it is going to hurt someone, I anticipate my apologies to you.
Blindness can be viewed by some as a way to hide all the ugly and sad things from view. A permanent and enforced way to acquire inocence in some cases.
But both wanting to be able to see everything and do not wanting to see at all are extreme of the same rope. I'm totally blind since I was five years old. I managed to help many sighted people to notice things that were under their noses all the time. Needless to say, they help me alot too. For me this is an attempt to achieve balance. Perhaps the same fear some have of becoming blind, is the fear I have to be able to see.
So if I'm blind and have respect for sighted people, I obviously should not want to cut off their vision for saving them for all the ugliness of the world, there are still many wonders to be seen, this I can ensure you even not being able to see. I should try though, to help others the way I am. The nature is very fair friends, we all can appreciate a bird. Be it it's colors, be it it's beautiful song.
We all have problems in some way. There are always some demons or dragons waiting deep inside us, to scare us when silence comes. First thing here is to locate them, do not let them hide from you. We can not just accept a flaw without at least try to solve it. Then, let us hunt them, one by one. Am I being too optimist? Maybe. But sometimes the best way to notice we have something harming us is to try to view it from outside our normal perspective.
And please, this goes for everyone. You can count on me to help face those challenges.
Best regards, Haramir.

I've been hesitant to try to self diagnose.  Always have been with psychological problems - it's an easy way to invoke hyperbole and be a hypochondriac. Just look at tumblr... (shudders). And I'm going to try to get into a therapist as soon as possible. I'm kind of afraid of a diagnosis of BIID since it's often treated as a psychotic when, for all intensive purposes, if that's "psychotic" then it must be the only part of me that is and is very selective. This doesn't begin to get into the stigmatization of the issue at hand, just read those comments for instant shame. I have to give you guys credit though for being really awesome in your responses, I was almost worried I would get one asshole but I know that I can trust you guys now.

I'm not really sure if this is an accurate analogy. I mean, the hardest thing is that yes, it's an impulse, but it's an impulse that's existed for 13 years at least, and has only gained in intensity. I definitely agree with what you're saying, and that's what the logical side of my brain tells me. It's very very scary for that reason - because such an internalized conflict exists. It's not like I'm saying I don't understand, and I understand completely - it's that the force that I'm fighting is not a force that can be rationalized with.

I think the best way to describe what it feels like is that you have two sides, a logical side and an emotional side. Emotional side usually doesn't ask for anything too out of the ordinary, and ends up manifesting things into guilty pleasures, such as my obsession with collecting figures and stuff. Usually it's pretty harmless, or at worst it makes my paycheck cry a bit. But the most persistent issue, this one, has never gone away. It only gets worse and worse. It used to be something that I was able to pocket away, but this is no longer the case. The logical side is a parent of a completely bizarre emotional side who does not rationalize with anything. Instead, it bribes.

Usually the thought process is like this. Emotions say that I should go and stuff ammonia in my eyes or something like that. No real trigger or anything, I'll just wake up and think about blinding myself. Logical side says that's stupid because of various reasons, I think you're all aware of those reasons. Emotional side used to not know how to argue against this. But emotional side has gotten smarter over the years and tries to plea logically to logical side, which is dangerous. Emotional side knows that logical side's main argument is that there would be certain things that would be irreplacable, so emotional side tries to bribe that these are not as unmanageable as it seems. Exposure to blindies gives good evidence to this argument, but logical side stays adamant. However, each time emotional side becomes more convincing. It has eventually boiled down to the idea of "open shoelaces", which must be "tied". Essentially accomplishing all of the things I need to accomplish in short before being able to proceed. Logical side is aware that once this occurs logical side will have almost no defense to emotional side's increasing strength, which is why I feel that this event will inevitably occur. Logical side tries to compensate for this by continually producing projects but it is not capable of working fast or "deep" enough, and it realizes that there is a means to an end.

In the meantime it attempts to pacify emotional side to try to reduce its intensity, by blindfold. Before the stigma of having to answer to what I was doing was extremely distressful and preventing me from being able to do that. But I now live on my own, and I have found that doing this can be theraputic. It's not the same as what my emotional side wants though and I know that it, too, will not be enough.

It's not really like there are multiple personalities or anything but it's the only way to give an accurate analogy of what's going on here. Giving them a sort of "character" gives a way to externalize the conflict by giving them character stereotypes based on the sides of the conflict, similar to the "angel/devil" trope often seen in cartoons.

Also on your indenting comment I'm pretty used to reading blind people read so I don't really care either way. I don't actually usually indent my paragraphs on forums anyways and instead use double spaces

This is the exact problem and what makes either decision so difficult. At least you're not being a jerk about it, and I really have to give you credit for that. I guess those sort of thoughts come into people's minds every so often but I'm willing to bet that it isn't as consistent if it's not afflicting you like that.

I don't really have much to say in response to you Haramir outside of the fact that I appreciate your understanding. I agree with a lot of what you said, I just feel like my responses would simply concur.

Back when I lived with my parents I was extremely nervous about doing this. I live on my own now and I have found it's pretty therapeutic, but I worry that it won't be enough - my emotional side feels that it's "fake" and only a pacifier. I'm not trying to devalue your physical problems at all, at least you seem to understand. I'm glad that I allowed you to feel brave enough to embrace others with your own problems, since I know it must appear very strange from an outsider. But in the meantime it works for now. I want to eventually get completely black contacts so that I can feel a little less "fake" but even this I don't really think is going to solve the problem. It's yearning is incredibly powerful and even though I've been pretty strong in the past it doesn't give in.

Some people who are transgender are okay without having to go through modifications to be comfortable with themselves, while others are not. Some transwomen want so many modifications that they can feel every female experience, like getting pregnant or going on a period. I keep feeling like I'm the latter, I've tried things in the past and while they pacify the urges the problem still emerges. It's very scary when you are conscious of these thoughts and you constantly try to suppress them logically, and feel underpowered to do so.

My friend and I were talking about this and even though he doesn't feel this way he knows people who wish to become incontinent. I think it's a similar way of thinking. It's like the drive to harm yourself completely outweighs the idea of the consequences.

I don't really think it's related to depression though. The thoughts do cause some shame and fear but they don't originate in depression. Most times it just happens and it's a powerful drive.

Hello,
Sorry guys If I’m not clear enough, because my native language is not English.
Why would you take away your vision? Others dream to be sited one day.

I have some blind friends who feel very uncomfortable and unsatisfied because of their blindness. Another tendency of some blind folks here in Albania is to hide it. So they want to be shown like they’re not blind, claiming they can do all sorts of things, even walking in a city of a bad infrastructure. Publically, especially among sited people they try to use their phones or computers without a sited assistance, or screen reader, mostly when they meet a sited person for the first time. I am really taken aback when I hear them doing such things, because that’s no way of avoiding your blindness. They do even try to move in a crowded area or school, claiming that they are not blind. Some others stay 24 hours a day in their home, cause they are ashamed of their blindness. They do not even want to get along with their friends, or make new friends, cause they think nobody will like them. These are just psychological disorders, which are preventing many blinds from making a healthy life over here. Fortunately, I have got these problems over, and many things are going well this way. I strongly think that we can make good friendships, which may work better than with blind people. I had a friend from my high school, who was so far my best friend. He was not blind and our opinions were almost the same. We used to go everywhere together, and I don’t remember there was ever a problem between me and him.
I really don’t like those people who, because of their disease, want to live their life inactively, and who do not like anymore themselves, like they lost everything, and there’s no way of coping with their problems. This are very harmful and may lead from depression to a potential suicide, because when you are depressed, the chances are less to control yourself properly.

Hi rach rach and others.
I can't say I fully understand this topic but I'm here if you want to talk. I don't know if I'll be any help but I can at least try. My skype is brad1647
And email [email protected]

I don't want to upset you and I doubt I will by asking  so I'll ask. Why do you want to be more like us? Blind I mean. I'm not saying it sucks, I'm not going to, Because It doesn't. Sure I have stupid experiences, (I had to try to sign a paper today with. 1. A tiny pen. 2. an idiot guy who insists I sign the paper. And 3. A tiny piece of paper...  The pen was almost half the size of your little finger. Anyway the woman at the counter ended up reading the declaration? The thing you sign to visit people in prison for the first time, that thing. and everything was good again.) Also I have people trying to "help" Me. I'm sure they mean well and that's why I usually accept it, but some just annoy me one person when I was in college tried to help me by taking me to the other side of the street, they thought they were helping, turns out they  made it a little harder for me. So I'd like to know why you'd like to be blind or *shudders* cut out your eyes. Why can't you just be rachel, the person who helps the blind and helps those that need it? Changing your body shape or removing certain parts of it, won't change you and I doubt it would improve your life, again not cause blindness sucks, but because your family and friends would probably not understand, and you'd have to go to hospital for ages. I know you'll be okay, you're strong as you say in your post. Speaking of your post, I'm going to re read it. Note to self; don't read long interesting posts when half asleep... I really hope I've not offended you and others and made things worse. But that is what I got from your post so far. Like I said I'll re read it to see if I can understand more.

I honestly wish I had the answer, Brad.

I know that no matter what happens I'm going to be the same person. I badly injured my foot 3 weeks ago, and honestly if that caused my foot to be amputated, we all know that I would still be the same Rachel regardless. But it's not like that.

It's like something doesn't match. In my brain. And it keeps asking me to achieve a vision of a Rachel that doesn't currently exist. And even though my logical side knows that it doesn't want this Rachel to exist, that beast is still begging. It gets stronger every time it's slain. And I am at the point that I know that it will eventually consume me. It's a matter of when. Even if this does happen I know that I won't be any different but it almost feels like a relief from this constant feeling.

This realization has caused incredible amounts of trauma in the last few days, and I've been just starting to reel myself in a bit back into reality.

And don't worry, nobody here has offended me. In fact you've done just the opposite. I find your posts an interesting perspective. Get some sleep ya nerd. Heh.

Hi.

Time to tell my story, I think.
It's meant to be quite childish in parts. I'll explain more about that later.

It was a cold and dark night... what! it was.

Well it was around seven in the evening and it was cold, and dark. I was walking with my mum to the doctors for some reason. I was around 8 maybe 9? I don't know. Anyway we went to the doctors with my brother in the pram. (stroller I think they call it in America.) So after this doctors visit, we went to my nans. Why we went there, i didn't know. I even asked my mum and got told to "shut up!"

Anyway I ended up living there. I remember my first night. I was playing with my new toy I got from the library In school. It was a phone toy, and you press buttons and it makes nice sounds. Man that toy was awesome!

You wonna know the best part of that night, Audio game community? The best part, the most awesomest part? No arguments! No more would I have to here, all those bad words that I wasn't meant to say, but said inside my head anyway cause they sounded funny... No more would i smell that icky stuff my mum and dad drunk on a daily bassess. No more would I get told I was a bad boy. I wasn't! I didn't brake anything but I got the blame. "Oh Brad broke the lamp. brad broke the toys." Brad, this, brad that. No more would I get smacked for doing nothing. And the sofa. (couch.) Man that was the most comfiest thing I'd ever slept on. Oh and I got audiobooks on tape. wow, they were awesome too!

I thought i was the luckiest 10 year old ever!

And here's where the story turns from a nice story to a story I wish I didn't have to live...

I was 11 and had made a friend in school. His name was Guilllermo. ghe yer, mo. And I thought he was quite awesome. We'd have fun talking and throwing grass at eatch other. So I told him i was being bullied, and I told him about the arguments before I lived with my nan. I told him everything!
And you wonna know what he did? He turned against me. When the bully would bully me, he'd join in. or just stand there. Now keep in mind the guy was strong. Of course he was. Couldn't have a week person getting all the girls attentions when he went on holiday, now could we? Oh noooooo. ahum, sorry, kind of side tracked there...

Anyway, he stood there, while I was kicked, punched, dragged over tarmac. IF you don't know what that is, it's a rubber like stuff that people put down on roads. It has stones in it. I was dragged from one end of the pitch to another. And when ever I'd tell a teacher.  They'd do nothing about it. nothing at all! My nan got involved and still they did nothing.

I left that place with a mistrust of adults and hating those students I hung around with.

Moving onto college...

I left Lindon Lodge to go to, RNC college.

In this college I met a guy, Richard. Who I thought was my friend, how wrong I was.

He met a girl, Aliya, and they soon started going out. He was lazy and she was no better. Fat and lazy, the both of them.  I was bullied there too. I wasn't confident. Would you have been if you were kicked down all the time you tried to fit in? Would you be, if the teachers didn't help even though they said they didn't support bullying? Well in this college I got thrown into Richards room, to here him and his fat ugly girlfriend have sex. It was stupid sex too. All oooo baby, yeah, and all that shit. stupid sounds!
He locked the door so I couldn't get out.

Another time, I was strangled, by Richard just because I wouldn't give in and go into there fucking room, get it? fucking room, because they fucked in there? No, no? Oh well, I guess I'm crazy.

Also, I got beaten up in the student services, and all the idiots did in there was tell the bastard, no fighting in the student services.  Oh great, yeah tell him that. Idiots. So what does he do, he drags me out side with his fat girlfriend, side note, she has a huge ass, nice and soft and all that. Tries to "Help" By saying stop Richard, don't do that baby. God she made me sick.
All that nice fakeness. Idiot. Doesn't she get it? It wasn't going to work. That wasn't going through my mind. What was going through my mind at that time was this; oh great here we go again.

SO I get dragged to their room, and thrown on the Flor then they just sit there... Wow what a waste of time that was.

Oh and do you know, I tried to help the fat bitch and her ugly boyfriend twice?

Once was when the idiot tried to kill himself...

So I'm lying there in bed, when I sense something's wrong, I've always believed in this sense, so I get up rush out the door and into Richards room. he's on the phone. "Baby, I'm sorry I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do it." Side note, I still don't know what he didn't mean to do. probably cheated or something. She's crying. "Brad, brad! help him." ha! finally the bitch needs me to do something for her. She says. "I'm coming over" Hangs up and does just that.
While she's getting her fat ass over to campal hall I talked to Richard.

He showed me the knife he was going to use to slit his wrists with. The fucking knife wasn't even that sharp. Stupid idiot wouldn't have even gotten to the, "ow! shit! this hurts!" stage. It was that blunt. It was one of those knifes in that thing with a bottle opener and other things in it. I can't remember what it's called.

Anyway, she comes over, they talk, they kiss, they make me want to throw up. They, don't! Thank me, oh noooo. So I go back to bed.

Second  time.

The fat bitch was sick.

So I thought I'd be nice and stay in her room and look after her. while her boyfriend was gone. Did  I get  a thank you? Did I hell!
Richard; "Why are you here?"
Me; "I was looking after Aliya"
Richard; "She can look after herself."
Me; "Oh..."

This was after about 2 and a half hours of hearing her snore while he had gone to some bar or something.

Hey, now I think about it, maybe I should have touched her. You no, touched all the "bad" areas. Wouldn't that have been fun?
But then I'd probably get told off or something. Oh well, it was just an idea.

So I told on those two and again got the exact same treatment as before.

Well not exactly the same. Richard got moved closer to his girlfriend and I was stuck in the same fucking room for 3 months.

Explain to me how exactly Richard was being punished?

Here's the strange thing. Richard and I, are good friends now. After she broke up with him and he realized I was write all along.

Random bits of info, I didn't tell in the story.

1. I like women who are soft.

This is probably cause they have soft tummies and you can lie on them and they make funny sounds. What? I'm a kid at heart, haven't you noticed yet?

2. There was two sides to me in college and school. Well three actually.

There was good Brad, he always wanted to do good things and help others. There was bad Brad, he wanted to  break people and make them go away! Then there was sad Brad. He... or should I say I, just couldn't care anymore and realized that life wasn't about others it was about you and what you made of it. Even though most of the world is fucked up.

Sad Brad, always came out on top. Of course he did. He knew that people were idiots, long before good brad and bad Brad did.

He, I, knew, when I was bullied, I knew when I was being told not to feel things. "You can't be week, only pussies are week!" I knew when I was bullied into doing something I didn't want to do. "Come on, you fucking idiot, just put your fucking finger in the toy!" It was a shock toy. There was a arrow, which spins around and if the arrow landed on you, you got a little shock. I knew when I had to agree because if I didn't I'd get shouted at. "Stupid fucking niggers and pakis. (Pakistanis) coming to my fucking country and taking our jobs!" My grandad. Couldn't the fucking idiot see that we are all the same?

3. I helped so many people in that damn school and college to, but never got thanked for
it. No, instead I just got stabbed in the back.

4. There was a kid Brad once, I don't know what happened to him. He liked hugs and touching and playing and tummies and soft things. Guess he's around somewhere just not aloud to come out a lot.

So I know what Aprone and Rach Rach are saying when they feel like there's 2 or 3 sides to them.

Few, that was fun.

I'm okay for those that are wondering. I went to counseling, and that kind of helped a tiny bit. Although I never told them about the different sides of me.

I'm starting a pottery class soon, that should be fun. I get to touch soft things. (clay. although it can be hard too!) and make pots.

I hope you enjoyed this post. Always trie to be happy no matter what.

hi.
@cx2 thing is, blindness is a pain in the arse for those that have had sight before, I think.
I think those that are blind are just used to this life. The ups and the downs of it all.

Someone once asked me, if I could get my site back, would I do it. I said straight away, no. They were shocked. Think about it, why would I want something I've never had in the first place? The only two things I can think of having site for, which would be worth anything to me would be. 1. Being able to look at women and form an opinion on them and there bodies. My family have told me, oh if only you could see, oo look at her, she has a huge ass, huge breasts,. It pisses me off that i can't see that, but then I think, well at least I'm not as stupid as my father is to mention it in front of the women. But honestly I can live without that and don't need it to live. And it's wrong to have women looked at like that. I highly doubt many women want to be seen as objects that people are aloud to look at. Although saying that, some don't care and it's those women I like. They don't care about there body and are prowd of it.

2. Videogames. I would love to play a video game just once. You no?  a full on sighted video game, with cars and guns and fighting and jumping and collecting stars,and getting coins and... other things.

I would want site for that. It would be really nice. But I doubt it will ever happen simply cause I would probably reviews all treatments. Not that I think there's any for R.O.P. Or the type that I have.

Hi Rach Rach.
No problem We're all here to help one another. Sometimes we agree with things and other times we might not. But that's the point of a great forum like this.

Yo,
I had a weird story last two years.
Here there are three kinds of schools which we have to get a diploma or certificate or whatever you wanna call it. The primary school, the high school or college and university. Only primary school offers special items or lessons for blinds, then in the high school, we have to study like all the other studentts who may be blind, sited or whatever. The same goes for university. So three years ago I finished my primary school and went to the school of linguistics which is almost the same as a high school, but you have to study two languages, like English and Italian or german, +one which is third. I got a young English teacher about 28 or 30, giving me lessons everyday. And one day she called me: Afrim. - yeah? - may I ask you a question? - sure!
If one day, a person asked you “how do you describe me”? How do you say, or how do you describe somebody. For example your professors or teachers.
I seriously got stunned because it was a question I had never thought about, and it sounded really strange to me, as I said in my mind, “what is she talking about?”
As I have no way of describing one person, I answered: “I really have no idea”, and the conversation ended.
The description consist of the beauty of the face, his/her attractiveness and other stuff.
However last year she insisted again on asking me that question.
She wanted to get a full answer now.
And I answered again, but this time more extensively.
She said: how do you describe me?
I told her that there is no way of describing one person since you don’t know what the colors are, and what does each color stand for. For example, I don’t know if a blond girl is more beautiful than a brunette one. But a mischievous girl said: Afrim, I assure you that she is very pretty.
I had heard this phrase from my best friend frequently saying: “ man, she got a pretty face with long hair, which make her perfect-looking. She fits perfectly to you. If one day you could fuck her, you would feel on top of the world.
LOL but I couldn’t say this in front of her but these opinions stood only in my mind and I hardly wanted to laugh because of what I was told from my friends.
This time the ring rang, and the lesson ended along with the conversation.
However this was a question I had never come across with, and sometimes it comes to mind as an interesting one. I really ask myself sometimes, how does she look like. “not only for that young teacher but for all in general”
So far there is no answer, unfortunately!

hi,
my views on blindness: contrary to what most blind people and blindness organizations claim, blindness is a disability.  It is not a minor inconvenience. It is not like hight, eye color or hair color. It is a serious disability. More serious than deafness in my opinion. Though there are more serious disability types such as deaf blindness and mental impairment.  I do not view blindness as a part of me, or part of my personality.  Blindness does not define  me. I view it only as a physical disability and a medical condition.  Blindness determines what you can and cannot do.  For instance, I am currently studying english language teaching in one of Turkey's best universities (middle east technical university). My blindness caused me to make this job choice.  Teaching is the best job in turkey a blind person can do. If I had been sighted I would have gone for medicine or genetics.  But my blindness prevents me from doing these jobs. At one time I also contemplated being a computer tech.  Cleaning off infected pcs etc. However since I would need help in safe mode and while using antimalware boot CDs, I again abandoned one of my dreams. Personally I would give anything to have sight, both because of the reasons above, and the possibility of developing a hearing impairment in my medical condition.  So my recommendation to you rach rach, is Not to self-blind yourself.  It might seem apealing to you at first, but you will deeply regret it if you do this. The world is built for sighted people. Blindness brings with it mobility and travel issues, in adition to accessibility issues.  It also brings with it socialisation issues. Most girls don't want to date a blind guy. Also people  can avoid you because of your blindness.
anyway, sorry for the long post

@enes
I'd say that you're right. It's almost the same for me in Albania, because we have almost the same culture and customs. I don't know why he's willing to take away his vision, I really dream to have it one day. But if I don't have it, it's not a problem to be considered, I used to live like all blinds in the world.
I don't know the mentality or opinions of people in America or anywhere else, but here a blind person has to suffer a lot to make a good life. The blinds are welcomed and people help them much here, for example crossing the streat or moving around a place, but when asking a girl weather she'd choose to spend her life with a blind, you will get them confused. They do really appreciate how we learn, study and sometimes are envious about our intelectuall knowledges. But asking the question above you may get a negative answer.
So try to save and protect your vision, cause it'll be late one day. if it was better being blind, more people would do it for sure. So, please, for your sake, try to change your opinions, and live your life naturally, how you were born. Having found a great environment among other blind people doesn't mean to become like them.
sorry if this sounds a little offensive to anybody, but I consider very problematic what you're willing to do.

Again,
Sorry and have a good time!