2018-11-04 08:02:22

Guys, I have a problem. Those who don't like me, stop reading here because I need useful advice. Those who do know me and like me know I'm not into men at all. There is a woman out there that I would do anything for. I care about her, but I don't know if I should tell her. I want to, but I also don't want to lose her for good. What can I do? Constructive comments only please. I'm looking for actual help and I'm only posting here because other social media hasn't helped.

2018-11-04 11:28:58

Just be strate. Wile I have never seen you befor I would just be strate and truthful and if they turn you down than you just move on and remain friends.

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2018-11-04 12:27:52

Just tell her, I love you and I want to be with you or something like that, you have to formulate yourself your words but she will probably understand.
And if she does not, no idea, probably say to her you were just joking or something.
big_smile Howp you will get past this and sort things out.

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2018-11-04 12:37:12

don't know you and don't hate you, but i feel sad for the guy who liked you and couldnt get you, big_smile

you can't run from the darkness. we are everywhere.

2018-11-04 12:46:00 (edited by flackers 2018-11-04 12:48:07)

You need to find out if she's that way inclined. If she isn't your just going to have to love her as a friend. If she's not into women, I think it would be a mistake to make a pass at her. I don't know how it would go if you told her how you feel even though she's not that way herself. She might be understanding, she might not. If she does have the same sexual orientation as you, you'll just have to do what everyone does, and chance your arm. I'm quite shy, so I like to try to find out via a mutual friend how the ground lies before I make a move, but if that's not possible, you'll just have to try to test the water yourself, or dive in head first. I can only do the latter when I've had a drink. Hope it works out for you.

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2018-11-04 19:45:53 (edited by shotgunshell 2018-11-04 19:47:25)

I think you should just tell her how you feel. If you don't just come out and tell someone you're into them then they'll never know, and you'll be cheating yourself out of a potentially great experience. I've been in those shoes far too many times myself, so I understand. Just try to go with the flow, you know? big_smile
@AlirezaNosrati Not a very great start my friend.

If anyone wants to add me on Skype, it's garrett.brown2014.

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2018-11-04 20:00:17

I fundamentally object to the idea that we have to scout out whether or not a partner has the same orientation as us. I mean, I'm a cisgender heterosexual male. Does that mean I should scout to see if a woman I'm interested in is attracted to men? I bet most of you would see that as overkill (some might not, of course)...but personally, while I think a delicate touch is necessary here, I don't think you need to vet a person's orientation before even making a move.
Of course, with that said, if you know she isn't into women, then you're out of luck, and bringing up your interest is a bad idea. the same way, for instance, as if I were interested in a woman who I knew to be a lesbian.

My actual advice follows.

Talk to her. I don't know the sort of experiences you share which makes you feel you'd do anything for her, but I'm hoping that your depth of feeling means that you two are close. If that is the case, then the best thing you could do is to wait for a good moment and tell her. Gently.
Saying "I love you and I want to be with you" is like using a battering-ram to bust through a paper screen. For god's sake don't do that.
Once you have the social situation where you want it, I'd personally start with something like, "I've got something I feel you ought to know. This might be awkward. I'm sorry in advance", and then just tell her that you are interested. I'd avoid making a lot of heavy comments like "I'd do anything for you" or "I love you" or "you're the only one for me". For heaven's sake don't scare her off. Just tell her that you're interested, and when you're done explaining - maybe give her some reasons why you like her, such as whatever it is you two are sharing, things you appreciate, etc. - ask her what she thinks, how she feels about it. And if she isn't sure yet, tell her very clearly that you'll give her time to process things, and that your friendship, whatever it may be, won't be threatened if for any reason she does not return your feelings.

This could blow up in your face. She might take offense to the whole notion of being homosexual. Maybe you don't know her well and this approach will spook her. Maybe you do know her well and it'll spook her anyway. Maybe you'll get rejected. I'm sorry in advance if any of those things comes to pass, because it's going to suck. But as Coldplay said in one of the saddest songs I've ever heard, "If you never try then you'll never know just what you're worth". So take a deep breath, muster your courage and your conviction, and give it a shot.

Good luck to you.

Check out my Manamon text walkthrough at the following link:
https://www.dropbox.com/s/z8ls3rc3f4mkb … n.txt?dl=1

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2018-11-04 20:34:56 (edited by flackers 2018-11-04 20:48:53)

Jade you're just being a contrarian because of what I said about your fitness as a mod. My advice is based on how I'd feel, and is nothing to do with you. Stick to your own advice instead of finding fault with mine. My opinion is based on the fact that if a gay guy flirted with me in a joky way, I'd take it as a joke no sweat, but if he tried to kiss me that's something I would absolutley not appreciate. The vast majority of people are hetro, so of course you don't have to check first because it's the norm. . But checking to see if someone is gay before making a pass is just common sense. You're a mod and you still have the argumentitive mindset you've always had. This is why I was baffled as to why a guy like you ever wanted to be one, when you clearly love finding fault with other people's opinions. You're an agitator, and that's not a good quality for a mod. Apart from responding to this reply if you must, beyond that I would really appreciate it if you treat me as invisible from now on, and I'll do the same for you. I'll even keep my mouth shut if I think you're being a lousy mod. And if this is possible, I don't want you to ever deal with me with regard anything to do with moderation. Have someone else do it, though this shouldn't be necessary as long as you keep out of my face.

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2018-11-04 20:44:14

Snide

This... -- Is CNN'.
Well Ted, it sure looks like there's been uh, quite a bit of violence around here
"aaoh, that violence was terrible'!"
Yeah it was, pretty bad.

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2018-11-04 21:06:30

@8:  Do you really have to bring up forum drama on a thread that has literally nothing to do with this?  Jade was not speaking as a moderator in his post.  Come on, people!

Anyway, I agree with what most people have said.  Like others have stated, just talk to her and make things clear to her.  for all you know, she may be battling the same issues you are. smile
If she's not interested in you, take some time to feel sorry for yourself, then move on.  There's plenty of people out there and spending too much time being sad over one person for too long will just result in bitterness and resentment.

Mammon slept. And the beast reborn spread over the earth and its numbers grew legion. And they proclaimed the times and sacrificed crops unto the fire, with the cunning of foxes. And they built a new world in their own image as promised by the sacred words, and spoke of the beast with their children. Mammon awoke, and lo! it was naught but a follower.
from The Book of Mozilla, 11:9

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2018-11-04 21:29:15

He may not be talking as a moderator, but he is talking as an unreasonable irritant. I want nothing to do with the guy whatever hat he's wearing. And if mods are going to be this blinkered, it won't be long before I want nothing to do with this forum. Not that anyone could care, just saying. Apart from the tiniest disagreement with G-Rad that was a misunderstanding on my part, and was resolved straight away, I haven't been the cause of the slightest bit of drama on here in the 18 months I've been here. It's funny I've started now isn't it?

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2018-11-04 21:41:15

Believe it or don't, but I didn't even check who wrote that, so my response was not tailored to you. Indeed, I came in here mostly wanting to give advice. I would have said what I did no matter who brought up that point. This is by no means personal, Flackers; that's not how I operate.

Check out my Manamon text walkthrough at the following link:
https://www.dropbox.com/s/z8ls3rc3f4mkb … n.txt?dl=1

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2018-11-04 22:21:07

@9, smart aleck. I've known her for a couple of years now and we've been through quite a bit together, some of which included an x breaking up with me because I didn't understand half of what she said because of the way she said it. From what I understand, she never had much luck with men, but I really don't know

2018-11-04 22:21:07 (edited by defender 2018-11-04 22:27:34)

Honestly Flackers, this is mostly on you this time, I think.
Jade has always been the way he is, your the only one taking things personally here that I see...
So he rubs you the wrong way? I get it, and yeah, he is a contrarian, but he could still be worse, at least he lays out his reasons rather than just trolling you or something, and considering your the one who felt so strongly that you created an entire topic about him, yeah, if he wasn't a Mod you'd never have gotten away with that kind of personal attack under Dark... And at this point I think it's clear that it goes beyond a simple concern for the site.
He could say things in a different way maybe, and learn the concept of agree to disagree better, but he's acting much more adult about this than you are from where I'm standing.
I think you should consider taking a step back, a little break maybe and examine that chip on your shoulder, ask your self what it's really about maybe.
That said, you never devolved to swearing and really nasty personal insults like what I see all too often on other forums, so good on you for that, and, I'm not going to pretend I know what goes on in PM's or on other forums/games between you too, but on this thread at least and other recent ones, it seems like your really the one taking it very seriously, and not him from an outsiders perspective, and I doubt that's the image you want to be projecting.

This... -- Is CNN'.
Well Ted, it sure looks like there's been uh, quite a bit of violence around here
"aaoh, that violence was terrible'!"
Yeah it was, pretty bad.

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2018-11-04 22:35:26

I've posted over 700 comments, most of them on the off topic room. I don't recall your ever responding before to anything I've ever said. Your first response is a fundamental objection, and it comes the very day after I start a thread questioning your fitness as a mod. I normally would give people the benefit of the doubt, but you've been causing a lot of trouble over the past few days, and then falling back on damage limitation style apologies and deflection.
I don't want to have dealings with you because I really don't want to spend any time on here having logic battles because they're so god damned spiritually depleting and no one ever comes out of them looking good regardless of whose logic was shown to be faultier, and you seem particularly adept at sparking those kinds of back and forths. I know I've been told off for dragging moderation to this topic, but I can't tell you what I think about your user hat here, then go over to the other thread to talk about your mod hat there. If I step out of line you'll moderate, so you're a mod the whole time you're here. And that means it's not really fair for you to go around saying potentially inflamatory things. If you're a mod you either have to be a good people person naturally, or regulate your behaviour because you can pull out your mod badge any time anyone does anything you don't like, so you have to not be the cause of that flare up in the first place. If you go around undermining other people's opinions the way you do, you're going to cause drama, and I think you have to forfit that behaviour if you want to be a mod.

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2018-11-04 22:41:30 (edited by defender 2018-11-04 22:45:14)

For what it's worth...
I completely, 100% honestly agree with everything you just said Flackers, I just wish you would have said it in a PM is all, because that's not what this thread is about, and we don't need the added public conflict right now.

This... -- Is CNN'.
Well Ted, it sure looks like there's been uh, quite a bit of violence around here
"aaoh, that violence was terrible'!"
Yeah it was, pretty bad.

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2018-11-04 22:42:11

@defender, sure, I'm not happy with the way I'm acting now either. I know no one's going to do it, but I stand by the fact I've had no drama with anyone on here before, and I don't chat to anyone in PMs. You're right though, I'm going to have a break from this place because these confrontations are good for nothing.

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2018-11-04 22:44:07 (edited by defender 2018-11-04 22:49:16)

Yeah, probably the right call for your own stress levels if nothing else. :-)
No one needs this kind of mental baggage from an online forum.
I have a friend just like that and he's a smart, talented guy who's always got your back when you need him most, the truest meaning of a friend, but spiritually exhausting is a great description of the logic battles he loves to get into with people, and he just, doesn't seem to get it...  Because trying to explain why that's not normal and why people don't like that is just another battle for him.

This... -- Is CNN'.
Well Ted, it sure looks like there's been uh, quite a bit of violence around here
"aaoh, that violence was terrible'!"
Yeah it was, pretty bad.

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2018-11-05 00:00:30 (edited by defender 2018-11-05 02:52:13)

I owe you an apology Flackers, I hadn't actually caught up with the various threads in site and forum feedback yet, and didn't realize how overly harsh Jade was towards the posters their.
I mean, you were still pretty personal about it and the assertion that you could just like, avoid him entirely was kinda off the wall, but I can't really blame you when he tried to pretend like he could just step out of his mod shoes and argue normally after all that... Honestly your (relative) composure is commendable in my opinion.
He's definitely lost all my support though...


And I'm sorry for participating in the hijacking of your thread Eliza...
I hope we can all at least try to stay as civil as possible though, because I still hope that ag.net can recover from this. And I believe we should honor it for what it was for years, rather than for what it has become in these last few days.

This... -- Is CNN'.
Well Ted, it sure looks like there's been uh, quite a bit of violence around here
"aaoh, that violence was terrible'!"
Yeah it was, pretty bad.

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2018-11-05 02:12:07

@1, I have to agree with what others have said here: tell her how you feel, but don't come on so strong. Whoever it was that said tell her you're interested, spot on. One small step at a time.
@Flackers
Okay but here's the thing, and I'm not going to state my viewpoints about the shit that took place here over the last few days or whatever... but honestly... when does it become unnecessary? I flat told people off for getting into those topics and saying "stop bickering!" I still stand by that. I have read every single post here and personally, whether or not I support Jade as a moderator, I can't say he attacked Flackers in this topic. Flackers, I'll preface this by saying I can confirm your no drama claim. I've never seen or deemed you as a drama causer. However... damn dude. I'm in full support of solving disputes, but like can we leave them... where they're meant to be solved? Like in the 3 topics out there already? Not to mention, to be quite frank, the whole "don't speak to me. Don't deal with me, don't even fucking reply to my posts" attitude rather reminds me of a kid I went to middle school with who had severe anger issues to the point that he punched someone in the face 3 times over a disagreement, and it was severe enough that the encounter left a few small puddles of blood scattered on the floor throughout the classroom. Like it or not you're on a public forum, and trying to play the role of "big bad ass angry tough guy" will rather hinder than help your case. Disagree with someone sure, argue with them sure, but my honest advice is... don't drag your drama where it's not needed or wanted. In this case but on a larger scale, that's like volunteering for something, but because someone you don't like volunteered for it as well, you guys spend the whole time instigating and bickering towards one another. Like fuck, it'd be like working together, your boss asking you guys to do something, and because you had to work together on something you be impolite and become confrontational. I think most of us quit finding that behavior cool and justifiable in public settings shortly after 8th grade graduation.

Twitter: stevo399
Website: stevend.net
Have a nice day!

2018-11-05 04:23:44 (edited by flackers 2018-11-05 05:05:20)

Okay, I need to explain my feelings , and then I'm going to try super hard to say nothing more on this subject, and try to stay away from here for a while at least.
Eliza Baez has started a number of topics, and got a ton of shit off people. That's why she prefaced this one with if you hate me don't read it. Apart from Dark who defended her right to be different, the mods did nothing about the abuse she was being subjected to.
So she comes in here and asks for advice, I offer it based on my own experience of starting new relationships, and how I'd feel if a gay guy came on to me when I don't swing that way. I wished her luck, and was being supportive. Jade came in here, and rather than just offer the advice asked for, his first priority was to attack my post. And like I explained, it's the only time he's ever responded to me, and it came immediately on the back of my questioning his suitability as a mod. So from my point of view, it was Jade who dragged drama into what had been up to that point a supportive thread. Sure I was angry, and my post reflects it,
but If you read my other posts you should see there are people being way more confrontational with Jade than I've been in terms of post count and level of hostility, and you haven't berated  anyone else, so I can only assume you're offended because you've interpreted my asking we have nothing more to do with each other from now on as an act of aggression. The thing is I do that in the real world if I really don't like the way someone's behaving, though it is very rare. It's a non-violent thing. It's a public place, but I don't have to engage with people if I don't like the way they go about things. I don't want any drama, that's why I asked that Jade, who's been causing tons over the past few days, leave me alone. The fact that no mods said a word about the abuse EB has endured, and yet someone as civil as me is being told to behave over one post that contains no abuse beyond a few home truths, makes me think it's one rule for mods, another for the rest. So yes, I'm feeling a bit aggrieved at the moment, but my instinct is to walk away rather than stick around slinging shit.

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2018-11-05 05:15:23

@21: Great, and by starting that little kerfuffle with Jade there, you've basically caused what the OP was asking not to happen in the first place.  I personally think you overreacted, but I don't know any specifics of the relationship between the two of you.  Perhaps he has antagonized you in the past?  I don't know, but it is entirely irrelevant.  If you have personal issues with him, PM him.  If you have issues with how he's moderating the forum,  There's nothing forcing you to stay here.  Walking away is a far better and far more productive form of protest than stirring things up on a thread where somebody was only asking for help with something that was completely unrelated to current forum drama.

Mammon slept. And the beast reborn spread over the earth and its numbers grew legion. And they proclaimed the times and sacrificed crops unto the fire, with the cunning of foxes. And they built a new world in their own image as promised by the sacred words, and spoke of the beast with their children. Mammon awoke, and lo! it was naught but a follower.
from The Book of Mozilla, 11:9

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2018-11-05 06:34:50 (edited by flackers 2018-11-05 06:45:42)

Eliza, I'm sorry I played a part in derailing your thread. In hindsight, I should have said what I wanted to say via PM, but that's out of respect for the content of other people's threads and nothing else.

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2018-11-05 07:57:19

Well to get back to the original question and hopefully away from the animosity since there has been waaaaay too much of that lately).

@Eliza,  if this lady has been a long standing friend as you said then presumably matters between you are such that you can raise the issue in a fairly straight forward way, that was what happened with my lady and I, and even if she does not reciprocate your feelings it should clear the air between you if nothing else.

While it is true that on average people are more often heterosexual, at the same time, there is more than enough evidence these days that things are not quite as binary or straight forward as automatically being one thing or the other.

For instance, a good friend of mine has been married to a lady for the past 8 years, is generally attracted to women, but has on two or three  occasions fallen very much in love with close male friends. He describes himself as %80 hetero.

I'll also say this sort of thing seems culturally easier for women to explore, since it is much more common and  acceptable in western culture for women friends to share physical affection with each other, and I certainly know ladies who, though they are primarily attracted to men have developed feelings towards their female friends  on occasion as well.

I wouldn't suggest going in all guns blazing , start with exploring the idea gently and let your friend get used to it over time, and of course give her the space to say "no" and remain friends if that is her desire as well. Indeed, that was what originally I thought my lady and I would be doing.

I'll also say if she does not! share your attraction that does not mean you can't be friends either. My lady's best friend is gay and  she's said she's always been attracted to my lady, but that doesn't get in the way of them being friends since she's aware my lady doesn't share her attraction, or indeed of me being friends with her either.

Hope some of this is vaguely helpful.

With our dreaming and singing, Ceaseless and sorrowless we! The glory about us clinging Of the glorious futures we see,
Our souls with high music ringing; O men! It must ever be
That we dwell in our dreaming and singing, A little apart from ye. (Arthur O'Shaughnessy 1873.)

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2018-11-05 14:52:06

Uh... no Flackers. I don't understand why you don't realize that a refutation is not a personal attack. Like your emotional, rather harsh post was literally based on an assumption; a false causality fallacy. And then you just presented another one of those fallacies by assuming that I'd respond only to user if user_status=Mod.
Might be a good idea to step back I guess. If you're to the point that a refutation, a minor one at that - and one that literally presents only another side to this conversation is a personal attack, there's something wrong here. Sorry but that demonstrates a good amount of emotional instability.

Twitter: stevo399
Website: stevend.net
Have a nice day!