I'm going to jump strait to the point in this post. I would like to know how to turn my life around. Over the span of my entire existence I've allowed my anger to take control of me and as a result I have burned tuns of bridges and ruined potential friendships. I haven't just burned bridges as a result of my anger though, it's been a mix of other things as well. I thought I've progressed past the person I was back towards the beginning of this decade, but I can see a lot of things about me haven't changed and in some ways, I've actually gotten worse. I want to be the kind of person who is a friend to everyone, and I'd like to say that's always been like me to think that way, but I've done a crummy job of making that happen. As if this weren't enough, I treat myself way worse than I treat everyone else around me. My eating decisions are poor and I hardly ever exercise. My deteriorating health is like a deep dark slippery well, and for every day I climb 3 feet I slip another 4. I have gone on a chocolate free diet for several months because I just knew that if I ate one chocolate bar, that would turn into two, then three, then four, and before you know it the entire bag of chocolate will be gone. And guess what? That almost happened today! My parents and I went out to dinner for Halloween, then went to Walmart and got a mixed bag of treats, among other things. That night I had one of each kind of chocolate in that bag which was peanut butter cups, almond joy, kit-cats, and Hershey's. Anyway, today Mom asked if I wanted her to bring the hole bag in and I said sure. I decided to have some chocolate, and sure enough almost half of the bag is gone, and this is a huge bag.
I'm not saying all of this to receive pity, because I do not like pity one bit. I'm saying all this because I'd like to know what to do. I know I shouldn't delete all of my social media accounts and my forum account and just spend the rest of my then to be short life overdoing chocolate and cheezits until my heart gives out, but right now despite the fact that it's not, it feels like the only option left. I know this is do to lack of self confidence, but how would you gain something like that if you don't have it to begin with?
#2 (edited by UltraLeetJ 2018-11-04 05:31:38)
I would say, and this will not be easy, but try something new, like learning a language, or some kind of small exercise, but commit to it, find something that you really like to do and stick to it daily if you are able, no matter what. If you can get a friend that shares passion for the same, it is even better.
By the way I admit to do that with chocolate.. its just too hard to quit lol. But truly I have found that if I do something that is enriching but also distracting from everyday life and if I can do that with a friend, there will be many benefits to that.. for one, your friendship will strengthen and secondly you will now have a new skill, plus it always feels good to accomplish or achieve something new, oh and you will probably forget completely about chocolate. If that is so, then you have picked the right activity which boosts your confidence. I would say that you can start by doing as little or as much as you want, for example learning a language. Its good to know that and to keep that in mind, because no one will judge you for the results or how much you progressed at the end, but the important thing is that you leave your chair now, right now! and just go do it, and commit.
I sincerely hope this will work out for you, and keep us posted in the situation, only if you want to do so.
Ps. reward yourself with chocolate only if you have progressed in your goal.
since you like to do voiceover work, see if you can train your voice even more. And try voice lessons for singing. You could be an epic bass. And you clearly know how to audio edit, so when you have bettered your ability to sing you can begin to do covers and things and show them to the world. Plus when you're picking cover songs you can have emotions showing, not just a song because it's popular. I did Straight Into The Fire By Zedd because I liked the message.
An anomaly in the matrix. An error in existence. A being who cannot get inside the goddamn box! A.K.A. Me.
I believe creating this topic and acknowledging that there is a problem is a very good first step to take, but I understand to a large extent how difficult it is to gain self-confidence and push yourself to become a better person.
Where anger is concerned, I believe it's a natural emotion we all feel at some point, so being angry from time to time isn't bad by itself, but as you know the key is not to allow it to control you and decisions you make.
From numerous mistakes I've made when I was younger, I've learned a couple of things:
When sending a text (or forum post for that matter), I suggest typing it out in MS word or notepad, write everything on your mind, then leave it on the ice for a bit; go listen to music or go for a walk, then after a while, come back to it and ask yourself whether you still feel you should send it out into the world in its current form, ask yourself as reasonably as possible what kind of impact it might have (would you unnecessarily hurt someone or do you reasonably think you'll regret some of it later). If yes, either edit your wording or in extreme cases, just delete the post and rewrite it, especially if you feel that you can get your view across more constructively.
As for in-person situations, what I do if I'm unhappy with someone is I firstly think it through, then communicate it is nicely as possible, always telling the person something along the line of "I value our friendship, but I really feel unhappy about situation X because...", then provide reasons. You want the person to understand, after all.
Of course this isn't absolutely full-proof and it is very possible that emotions can get the better of anyone, but as said above, rather make sure this is the exception and not the rule.
I agree with post 2 in that you should only reward yourself with chocolate when you've accomplished something, but be sure to moderate yourself, like, maybe ask your parents to buy you smaller bags in future, as the temptation to have more and more would be lessened.
There are definitely a number of things you're good at, I enjoyed your scambaiting videos and would love to see more of it, others suggested voice-over work and from what I've heard you really seem good at that as well, just as long as you understand that not everyone is necessarily going to like your work, some would give constructive criticism and others would just troll for the sake of it; this is the internet after all. In those cases, carefully distinguish between the two and then decide what you want to do going forward.
Another thing I'm currently doing is to ask myself what kind of person I'd like to be in the long-term, then I set about taking the baby steps to reach that goal, as every small step counts. For example, I am currently in my 3rd year of a law degree, I have one more year left, then I need to go and do articles for a couple of years before I can be an attorney.
I set myself a long-term goal of leaving home and moving to another city some distance away, as to be as independent as possible. However, I am aware that this is not going to happen overnight, so I'm doing small things to get to that point, but always having my final goal in mind. I recently got a guide dog, and although as discussed in a topic a while back, that is definitely not the ultimate solution for everyone. But it's pushing me to be more committed (by taking care of him, etc.); I've gained a bit of extra confidence when walking around with him and he's just a great companion over all. So as I challenge myself to learn new routes with him, I know this will help me in the long-term to be better equipped to deal with a strange city (mostly alone) when the time comes. I guess an extra motivator for me is that I hate having to rely on others as I don't really trust people when they have too much power, but guess that's just me.
I know this is a rather long post but I hope you managed to gain something from it and all the best on the way forward, I believe you'll find your way out of this quagmire in good time.
There is one rule above all others for being a man. Whatever comes, face it on your feet.
@bcs993 on twitter, feel free to follow!
I know exactly how you feel. I have struggled with anger, feeling like I fit in anywhere and things like that through my life. the past few years have held a lot of depression for me. I had an awesome opportunity I blew because of laziness. It's much harder to get back in something if you have to prove yourself all over again. don't get lazy or doubt yourself!!!! I struggle with being motivated but sometimes we gotta hype ourselves up if you will. Even if no one else does. I would say find someone you are 100% comfortable with and open up to them. I found that about 2 months ago and it is amazing. I'm very sensitive to people judging me and people's energy as well. Anyway, I hope it works out for you man and you are not alone.
I've been there, or at least somewhat. I know how it feels. I've been the guy who sleeps most of the day away, wakes up in the late evening, orders takeout, then eats it while binging on MUDs or whatnot. I've gone weeks without talking to anyone except online. I've hid the depths of my depression from people. I'm a fair bit better now, but I still have dark days.
The point here isn't for me to say I know exactly what you're going through. I don't. It's to say that we're all human. We're all down sometimes, or don't know how to climb back up again.
I'm going to offer a little bit of advice that hopefully helps.
1. Sit down and write down a list of the things you're good at. Even include stuff you're not bad at and want to be better about. Start there. This is called a strengths-based approach.
2. When you feel comfortable, take a look at that list and see if there's anything there you think you could sort of put your nose to, so to speak. If you can't do that just yet, that's all right. There's time.
3. Let yourself be proud of your skills. Seriously, you'd never believe how many people will downplay their own strong points if given half a chance. Let yourself enjoy the knowledge that you're actually good at stuff. You're a human being who deserves to feel good about your accomplishments and the person you are.
4. Once this is done - and please, please do it first - set down a list of things you want to improve on. Don't beat yourself up, just recount facts. You say that anger is a problem for you? That goes on the list. Maybe impulse control. Same deal.
5. Take one thing on that list, it can be whatever you want, and ask yourself how you might improve it. It could be a small step, or a larger one. Whatever you do, don't try and change the world overnight. It won't work, and you'll probably end up feeling like a failure.
Here's the important thing to remember. The things you're good at, take them small steps at a time. The things you need to improve upon...same deal. If you start trying to ask "how can I be a better person" or "how can I stop failing", the very size of the question is going to refer to what we generally call "analysis paralysis", where you get so bogged down by the sheer scope of your problem that you simply can't move. That obviously isn't going to help anybody, so take your issues apart and work on them piece by piece. This doesn't have to happen all at once.
The most important thing is that you have, in essence, owned the fact that change needs to occur. Congratulations. It gets easier from here. I commend you on your honesty and your bravery, even if many of us aren't close to you. Keep your focus, move slowly but steadily, and things are bound to turn around.
If you want to talk specifics, my in-box is always open. Social work, counselling and the like, is the career path I've chosen, and while I'm not a professional at this point, I'm learning quickly. I won't go so far as to say that this is what I was made for, but it's a role I cherish and am well-suited to, at least according to my classmates, friends and family. If I can help you, you have but to ask. I'm not going to push you, browbeat you or judge you unfavourably.
https://www.dropbox.com/s/z8ls3rc3f4mkb … n.txt?dl=1
Speaking as a person who loves chocolate, was never athletic, and managed to train for and complete a half marathon, i'll give you some things I learned about health and self-confidence along the way.
1. First and foremost, find an activity you love. If it's swimming, walking, just some physical movement, start there. Starting on something you hate will lead you down a bad road. So start there, don't do too much early on, just enough to feel that you're exercising, and build up. You'll be surprised how fast your body is willing to get stronger.
2. If you can find a friend to commit with you, that will help immensely. There have been days when I absolutely would not have gone swimming, but for the fact my friend was coming over to swim with me.
3. Don't make massive changes in several areas all at once. If you start tomorrow, and say "I drink 1 glass of water a day, so I'm going to make it two," that's progress. Work on that for a while, and build. When you are getting good hydration, you'll feel a lot better and a lot more motivated to work out. As an added bonus, you might not want quite so much chocolate. Just focus on one area at a time with your health, and it will all come together.
4. This one may be controversial, but in the beginning, I wouldn't focus on denial. In other words, if you meet your water goal, or work out for five minutes, and you want chocolate, eat chocolate. At this point, you're just trying to build habits that stick. Eventually, I'm pretty sure you'll find that as your body becomes healthier, you crave less of it.
5. Make gratitude your mantra. Sit down every day and write down a list of things that make you happy. They can be big or small, it doesn't matter. If it makes you happy, write it down. You want to train your mind to focus on the positive. Start your day like that, and every time you catch yourself thinking negative, turn it around. Pretty soon, you will have fewer negative thoughts, and gratitude will become the norm.
6. One step at a time, and you got this!!! Go forth and win at life! That's what you were meant to do.
Mirage, you are awesome!
I'm going to go ahead and second the bit about denitl. Obviously you need to be careful, but denial usually just makes for bad spirals. Try not to view chocolate or whatever you like as a reward, but as you practice mindfulness, better health and accountability and all the rest, just do one thing. When you feel that craving, and you reach out a hand or get out of your chair to go fetch whatever it is you want, ask yourself if you really want it. Just pause for a moment and ask yourself if you know what made you want that thing. And don't automatically say no to it; hell, maybe you just felt like it, and that's not a terrible thing. But if, for instance, you notice that you eat chocolate when you get down on yourself, then that may be a pattern.
What Mirage and I are saying is, in essence, the basic for cognitive behavioural therapy on a very loose set of terms, focused through the strengths-based approach (i.e., focusing on what you're good at). I really, really hope it helps some.
https://www.dropbox.com/s/z8ls3rc3f4mkb … n.txt?dl=1
yeah. Do all the stuff that jayde was talking about. While you're doing that, you're going to want to work on The shell that carts your conciousness about. It's going to directly help the mental side of things. If your mind knows that it's trapped within this walking pile of fat that shovels chocolate, chips and greasy food down the hatch like it's going out of stile it is going to take that out on you. So the downward spiral keeps on going.
The perpetual snacking is a problem and I'm speaking from experience here, not just writing a random bullshit post.
Completely stopping snacking is never going to work out, you just end up pissed off and completely stopping just drives you to eat more stuff that isn't good in the long run.
I ended up getting around this by snacking on fruits. Grapes and blueberries are fantastic for this purpose, they usually come in bags or plastic containers (the same types of containers that you're grabbing your chocolate and stuff from). Instead of reaching into a bag of mini kit-cats and stuffing your face with a couple, you're munching down some nutritious fruity goodness. The water content is going to cut down on those pint glasses of soda too.
I'll admit I had a bit of help in the fact that I keep reptiles, so my fridge is pretty much bursting with various types of fruits and vegies at all times and they don't mind sharing. In your case though, I'd recommend recruiting your mother to help.
I'm sure she'll be happy seeing her son / daughter eating more healthily. If you find yourself spending cash on bags of chocolate and things, offer to contribute that to the shopping if needed to cover your healthy stuff.
It's important to remember that you can't just switch over night from one to the other, You're going to slip up and scoff a bar of chocolate without even thinking about it or order a large pizza from dominos and scarf that badboy down and that's entirely fine. Rewiring yourself is going to take time and you can't kick the shit out of yourself for giving into temptation every now and then.
Along side the food thing, you're going to want to start exorcizing. Every day would be ideal, but this can be worked up to. Everyone's different and their is no wrong way of going about this.
Find yourself a nice bit of open space, if your bedroom has this already than you are golden. Next, look up how to do things like squats, lunges, sit ups and pushups. Everyone of these has a good variety of ways that they can be performed that work different muscle groups.
All of these exorcizes can also be augmented with a basic set of 30 dollar adjustable dumbbells, I'd definitely recommend you grab a set as you'll get your money's worth out of them many times over. They'll increase the range of exorcises you can do also.
As your body grows stronger, you're going to feel a lot better about your self image, you won't beat the hell out of yourself for pigging out, you'll even be able to have a night of junk food every now and then and not feel terrible for it. This won't make everything else go away, but the very act of getting in shape and putting in the effort to look after your body is going to put you in the best position to tackle the other stuff.
All the seats are taken in the parliament of fools.
#10 (edited by afrim 2018-11-10 11:29:38)
The first step in resolving a problem is recognising whether there is really one.
Is your problem anger, and how did it come to you as an issue? If anger, stress, or depression came to you because there were not enough people or activities around, try doing something new which you like the most. It might not necessarily be swimming but swimming is one of the viable options out there. In general, sports do really help in these situations.
The key change you should consider is becoming an active participant of a community. When you are occupied with something the community does everyday, you will most likely have no time to think about anger, depression and eating chocolates. You will gradually see that your mind will shift towards other things that you will want to do in a future time. For instance, if you become part of a community which organises swimming activities, you will have the chance to meet new friends who will open new doors. At one point, you will want not only to partake in those activities, but also meet those friends somewhere else; it could be a party, a picnic, an initiative, a charity campaign and anything I can't think about right now.
One suggestion, do not think of being friend to everyone as opposed to being friend to many. Throughout your interaction with your community, you will notice that there will be people who won't suit you at all. It is true that you should try to be as flexible as possible so as to attempt to match your personalities, but that won't always succeed.
I've been recently elected head of Students Council at my faculty; a post I have long desired to have as I knew it would create new opportunities. I am constantly meeting new people and I am sure this position will bring something in the end. It could be new friends, new positions . . . I don't know . . . . but I am sure it will bring a change in me.
#11 (edited by defender 2018-11-10 09:43:39)
I'm in a similar place as you actually though I use the computer to cope (it doesn't even work that well any more anyway) and I haven't burned as many bridges thankfully.
Well Ted, it sure looks like there's been uh, quite a bit of violence around here
"aaoh, that violence was terrible'!"
Yeah it was, pretty bad.
There's been a lot of good advice in this topic, but I'll add one final piece.
Chocolate isn't actually bad for you.
that is right! The active ingredient in chocolate itself is coco, it is a lipid, but its a saturated fat, meaning it is anti-carcinogenic, reduces cholesterol, contains a large amount of anti oxidents, promotes production of the neuro transmitter serotonin (the oen that makes you feel good), and does all sorts of other things.
The only problem is that most commercial chocolate contains a frighteningly low amount of coco solids, like less than ten percent, and fills up the rest of the mass with animal fat, butter, loads of sugar and artificial sweeteners and all sorts of other stuff.
I myself was having a severe problem with chocolate, I couldn't buy one snickers or kit cat, I always needed two or three, and as you said the impulse factor was quite bad.
I sat down and had a bit of a think and wondered what exactly I was getting out of chocolate. Was it the fat? Well no, because things like crisps (chips as you'd say in America), don't bother me.
Was it the sugar, well again, not exactly since pure sugar sweets like jellies or fudge wouldn't be my thing either.
it was the coco.
once I realised this I did a bit of research and found what I said above, that actually coco is pretty good stuff, its just all the other guff that gets put in to commercial chocolate which is the problem.
So, I started investigating high percentage coco chocolate.
Lint, and some other manufacturers can be pretty rough it is true due to the way they grind the particular beans, but done properly, 70-80 percent coco chocolate shouldn't be rough or bitter, it should just have a strong flavour.
Green and blacks is a firm I highly recommend if you can find them in the states, also over here we tend to get a lot of good stuff from Germany.
I also found myself, that once I switched to high coco content as my go to drug for comfort, I no longer needed as much of it, as a little went a very long way.
These days, I still like desserts, I have the odd chocolate cookie or the like, but its no longer a matter of being compulsive.If I am really down and need something just to fix my neuro chemistry, I just buy some good quality dark chocolate with a high coco content.
this has also, conversely meant my taste has shifted away from hyper sweet stuff, indeed just for old times sake I bought a snickers the other day, and I could only eat it if I had some coffee to take away the sweetness.
Of course, if your thing is sugar rather than coco specifically that might be slightly different for you, still if you want a way to actually keep getting a coco hit and to eat something which is actually good for you into the bargain, that might be worth thinking about.
Our souls with high music ringing; O men! It must ever be
That we dwell in our dreaming and singing, A little apart from ye. (Arthur O'Shaughnessy 1873.)
At dark, i actually went out and baught some high coco content chocolate after reading one of your posts about how good it was, and i must say, it's awesome! Way better than the gineric stuff.
#14 (edited by shotgunshell 2018-11-11 00:41:15)
I've been keeping my eye on this topic for a while, and I wanted to come on and thank everyone for their advice. Just so everyone knows where I'm standing right now, I'm currently in a 6 to 12 month independence training program in Nebraska, so in terms of exercising and eating healthy I'll have plenty enough time for that. I'm going to start replying to everyone individually.
@UltraLeetJ I've wanted to learn another language for a long time, and I think if I can get some down time I will do that.
@x0 When I’m done with the training center I’m going to look into getting voice over work… as well as jump starting my radio career again. I stopped before because I couldn’t find time, but I’d love to start it up again and I will if I get the chance.
@bcs993 I have started writing my posts in Microsoft Word so that I can get the spelling and grammar down pat. I also like the idea of waiting for a while before posting to make sure I’m not letting anger get in the way, and it’ll also give me a chance to structure my posts the right way. Spelling and grammar isn’t everything, after all. Also, thank you for the feedback on my scammer videos.
@austingrace Thanks for the advice. I’m glad I’m not the only one. Unfortunately I have not found someone I can stay with and open up to all the time, but hopefully someday…
@Jayde I took your writing idea and came up with something that helped me a lot. I’m writing about my experiences over the next few months in this program in the form of a journal, and I’m going to be publishing this on the forum so that everyone can read it. Thank you so much for the advice.
@Mirage We actually have a YMCA near the center that has an indoor swimming pool, so I’ll probably have a lot of time to swim. I happen to love swimming too, so it works out. I’ll start drinking more water as well. Thanks for the advice.
@Jayde I used to stress eat, but I stopped doing that now. Usually if I want chocolate, it’s because I want something sweet.
@Exodus I don’t think I’ve ever gotten fat, but I used to be chubby and I don’t like that very much. I will start eating grapes and other such things more often. Believe it or not, I actually really hate the taste of soda, and I don’t care for pizza very much either. Exercise is one of the key elements for me right now, so I’ll definitely be doing that. Also just so you know, in terms of son/daughter, I am son.
@afrim I’ve taken your advice, and I’m not regretting it so far. I’m at a place where I have quickly met new friends, and I think I’m going to be very happy here. I will also keep in mind to try to be a friend to as many people as I can be, but not to force a friendship with everyone. Hope you enjoy your position as the head of the students council.
@defender Here’s hoping things get better for you in the future.
@Dark I do like chocolate for the sweet taste, but I’ll definitely try to get pure coco chocolate sometime in the future.
@arqmeister Since you gave that kind of chocolate a good review, I want to get it more now.
Again, thank you everyone for your advice. I’ll keep you posted on how things are going, as much as I can. I am going to be busy a lot, however, so I may not be posting on the forum as much anymore. I'll try my best though.
@Arqmeister glad that helped, it does make a difference. The problem I tend to find is a lot of high coco chocolate tends to be a wee bit bitter because of the way the coco beans have been ground, this can often put people off, which isn't good. That is why I would recommend Green and black specifically, though I don't know what else is available in America.
I did try some hershy's dark when I was over there, heck we had our honeymoon in Hotel Hershy (since my lady's dad used to work for Hershy).
The Hershy's dark wasn't bad, but equally not as good as it could have been, and I suspect there is more stuff out there if one looks.
this also isn't to say I don't still like sweets, I do, just much less of the commercial chocolate type of stuff.
Our souls with high music ringing; O men! It must ever be
That we dwell in our dreaming and singing, A little apart from ye. (Arthur O'Shaughnessy 1873.)